Love Conquers Everything
by CaptainK8
Summary: Lisa Cuddy has been pushed to her limit.  An issue from her past comes back into play.  She unexpectedly falls in love.  Cuddy/OC.  Femslash.  Eating disorder content.
1. You Let Me Down

**A/N: I don't own House or any of the characters in it. **

**This story contains strong eating disorder content. It also contains femslash. If either of these things are not your thing (or could be triggering) please do not read. I'm writing this because it has been bugging me for a while. **

**I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ALL THINK! I know it is Cuddy/OC and I don't know how well this will go over, or even if it will go over at all. I don't know, but the idea has been on my mind for quite a while. PLEASE REVIEW if you read!**

**I have not, and will not, give up on I Hope You Dance. I'm still working hard on it and I know where I want it to go but this idea has been on my mind for a while and I thought I just had to get it out.**

Lisa Cuddy was staring at herself in the mirror. It was the end of a very long day in the midst of a very long few months. Stress was something she just couldn't seem to get away from anymore. Rachael was finally asleep and she had had a chance to try to relax with a hot shower. It didn't help. She continued to stare at herself. She lifted her hand and began to trace the lines around her eyes that she had only just recently noticed. Her hand lowered to the creases surrounding her mouth. For the first time in her life she felt old. True, she had the genetic gift of graceful aging, but she wasn't young anymore, she thought. The fact that she was nearly fifty burdened her as a silent tear slid down her cheek. She reflected on her life. She had her career. She had her amazing daughter, the light of her life. Despite this, she was lonely. Her mother had been right a few years ago when she had told her she needed to settle down and find a man. She had said that the steady stream of boyfriends couldn't possibly be as amusing as it once was. How correct that was. She had a horrible track record when it came to dates. Nobody seemed to stick around long enough to give her a chance.

Her probing hand had made its way to her shoulder. She then untucked the edge of the towel wrapped around her body and let it fall to the floor. Her hand travelled lower. She examined her breasts with a critical eye. She noticed how they no longer had the firmness of youth. Every year they seemed to droop lower and lower. Consequently, so did her necklines. She continued to trace her body lower and lower; her stomach, her hips, her butt. She didn't even have that going for her anymore, she mused. It was no wonder that men never stuck around more than a few weeks. Who could ever want to date an old woman? She leaned down, placing her hands on the counter top.

She didn't know how it happened. Upon reflection many months later she would understand _why_ it happened, but that would be a long time from now. Later that night, she wouldn't even remember how she ended up in the position she found herself in. She was currently leaning over the toilet with her fingers down her throat forcing whatever parts of her dinner still remained undigested to come up. Feeling finished she leaned back against the wall to finally relax into the long forgotten yet so familiar post purge euphoria.

It was just a few minutes later when the high started to wear off that it registered in her brain what she had just done. She quickly stood up on shaky legs. "What the fuck are you doing?" she asked herself. She punched her fist into the glass of the mirror, slightly dissatisfied that it remained intact. "Twenty-five years. Twenty-five fucking years and you do this again? You promised that you would never, ever, repeat these horrible behaviors. You spent so many years hurting yourself with this. You gave this up for good. What the hell is wrong with you?" She looked at herself for a few moments before falling back down to the floor. She covered herself with the towel while she cried. Eventually she got up and dressed in her pajamas. Slowly, she made her way back to her bedroom and curled up in the center of her bed. Still crying, she finally managed to fall asleep with enough time to get at least a small amount of rest before having to again face the light of day.


	2. Yoga

**A/N: Hey! Back for chapter two. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted on either of my stories. I have definitely not given up on IHYD either. I've been working on this story in a way I haven't done one before. I'm writing it in one long document and fitting my scenes in where they belong rather than writing it sequentially so when I finally have the "next" chapter done, I'm posting it. Chapter three is already pretty much finished, so look for it soon!**

**This chapter has a bit of stuff to maybe explain the past, I hope it helps.**

**Please read and review if you feel like it!**

**Oh, and I know this might be a bit of a distasteful story to be writing for a few reasons, but I'm doing it anyway, because like I said before, it's been bugging me for a very long time. I may change my mind in the future, but not today.**

**Here we go!**

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, Lisa Cuddy was feeling awful. She was exhausted because she had gotten less than two hours of sleep, and her head was killing her from last night's crying. She knew, though, that staying in bed and simply reliving last night in her memory over and over again wouldn't help her to work through what had occurred, so she dragged herself out of bed.

She gave her normal morning yoga routine a good try. She really did. It wasn't helping at all today. Her thoughts and emotions were so all over the place that it completely threw off her internal balance. This, in turn, caused her physical balance to become frustratingly unstable. Normally she would spend between ninety minutes and two hours doing yoga in the morning but today she got through a whopping forty minutes before throwing in the towel. After giving up, she decided to put on a pot of coffee and try to get some work done before Rachel woke up.

She was sitting on the couch in the living room staring blankly at what she was supposed to be reading. The problem was that she didn't see anything on the page. All she could see were the images from last night. It was some time later that she found tears again creating damp tracks down her cheeks.

She wiped the wet spots off of her face when she heard Rachel running down the hallway and pulled herself up off of the couch. Finally she had something to do that would help to occupy her racing thoughts. Together they got ready for work and school.

It was when the two sat down to breakfast that her thoughts finally completely returned to the previous topic. She watched Rachel eat soggy fruit loops out of her bowl with her fingers and then turned her gaze downward to her own plate of sliced fruit. To be truthful, she really was a bit hungry. She hadn't actually digested much of last night's meal. She picked up a piece of apple and twirled it between her fingers absently. She couldn't help worrying that if she ate the apple, she would feel the need to purge. She wouldn't do that again, of that she was sure, but what if she felt compelled? Could she handle that? Of course, not eating the apple would be restriction and that was also something she wouldn't do. In the end she decided to eat the apple.

One slice was all it took to break her resolve about eating the apple. She felt the wetness of tears trailing down her face again.

"Mommy, are you sad?"

Lisa looked at her daughter. "Yes honey, I am sad."

"Why?" Her daughter was always curious about everything.

"It's nothing you need to worry about. Spending time with you is already making me happier." Rachel smiled.

Cuddy was frustrated. She needed to get her work done but House was lingering in her office for no reason that she could identify. He didn't need her permission for any procedures because he currently didn't have a patient. She had told him to go find a patient. He didn't. She told him to go work in the clinic. He wouldn't. She was at the end of her rope. She didn't need this today. She wasn't listening as he talked.

Finally she shook her head and interrupted him. "Damn it, House. I don't give a crap what the hell it is you are not doing, just don't _not_ do it in my office!" she practically screamed.

"Geez, Cuddy. I haven't seen you this irritable since med school. You're not puking again, are you?" he joked.

Cuddy froze. _He knows. How could he know? He can't possibly know. _She stood just inches away from him and stared into his eyes with a look even he knew meant he had crossed a line. "Go to Hell, House," she said before turning away from him. A few seconds later she heard her door click shut.

She couldn't breathe. Her hands managed to find their way to the edge of her desk and she leaned onto it in order to stay upright. Her vision quickly darkened and part of her understood that at this moment she was actually hyperventilating. It was less than a second later she felt strong hands grip her arm for support. "Don't you dare touch me," she choked out.

The hands let go of her arm. "I'm sorry. Are you ok?"

The voice didn't belong to House as she had assumed it would. Rather, it was Wilson. She reached a hand out behind her, reaching towards him. He gently took her hand and guided her over to her couch. "What did he do to you?" he asked when her breathing and heart rate finally started to calm down.

"I haven't had an anxiety attack in years."

"Are you starting to feel better?" She nodded slowly. "What did he do?"

Cuddy was still fighting tremors in her hands. "You, you didn't hear what he said?"

Wilson shook his head. "No, I didn't, but you can tell me."

"I'd really rather not." She trusted him dearly and he was her best friend, but there are some things about her past that she wanted to keep private regardless of their close relationship. It was bad enough that House knew. It would be impossible for him _not _to know considering she had found out when she came back after her semester off that there were few people who _hadn't _known thanks to one of her asshole roommates and her loose lips. In retrospect, though, if it hadn't been for the intervention of sorts by her roommates, she wouldn't be the person she was today. Wilson, though, he didn't have to know.

She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face for the third time that morning. Wilson placed a comforting palm on her back. "That's fine. You don't have to."

Her tears started falling harder. "Once, that's it. It's not going to happen again. I won't let it happen again. It won't be the same as last time."

Wilson was utterly lost. Finally a thought hit him. "Are you trying to have another baby?" he asked softly.

"God no," she muttered. That was the last thing on her mind. For just a split second she wondered where that thought had come from before she thought of a possible answer. Shit. Had her body really gotten that out of control that people thought she was pregnant? "Why?"

"It's just the last time I saw you like this you were upset over a comment he made about your ability to parent and you projected it onto your feelings about your…" he wasn't sure what the best way to finish that sentence was.

"You can say it; infertility is just one of the 171,476 words in the dictionary."

"It's just what you said about not letting _it_ happen again, I was thinking you might be referring to another miscarriage. I'm sorry for assuming."

She tried to wipe a few tears out of her eye with her hand. "It's ok, don't worry about it." The more rational part of her irrational brain told her that she should be relieved because of his answer, but it was completely overridden by the irrational part of the already irrational brain which knew that once the idea of where she had originally thought his idea had come from had been planted in her brain, it wouldn't leave.

"This is a completely unrelated matter," she stated even though she knew, deep down, the two might not actually be as unrelated as she wished. True, she hadn't spent all those years in a state of starvation, but she had still been screwing around with her body chemistry for long enough to have possible lasting effects including infertility.

When Cuddy had finally mostly calmed down Wilson let go of her. "I was actually coming by to see if you wanted to grab some lunch from the cafeteria with me," he started.

Inwardly she groaned. Today of all days? It's like the planets had aligned just right to make her insane. She had to figure out a way out of this. "I'd really rather not go down there looking like this." She gestured to her red, puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks. Sure, she could redo her makeup, but that wouldn't help her eyes any.

"Oh, that's not a problem. If you want, I could bring something back here for you."

Now she was in a tricky spot. If she refused his offer there was a good chance he would go running to House and then House would probably pretty easily pick up on what had happened last night between the lunch and her earlier reaction to him. "Yeah, I guess that would be ok."

"What would you like?"

She thought. What would the easiest thing to work with be? "I guess just a salad. I really don't have much of an appetite after all the crying I just did."

"Sure thing, I'll be back soon." With that, Wilson left.

The rest of the day went pretty much as usual after lunch. Chatting about innocuous things with Wilson had actually raised her spirits considerably. Cuddy dealt with the usual messages from the board as well as numerous ridiculous requests from House's team for the duration of the work day. When the day was finally over, she managed to get to sleep without much trouble due to the fact that she had barely slept the night before.

The next morning life was back to normal for her. That is, until about a week later when it had happened again. Like the first time, she hadn't even thought about doing it, she just did it. She rationalized this away. _I did it once and there weren't any consequences, _she thought to herself. _I'm sure there won't be any this time either. _What she couldn't see, or maybe didn't _want _to see, was that being able to rationalize the second purge was actually a consequence of having done it in the first place.

Over the course of the next two months things only got worse. She would pull out anything she possibly could to attempt to excuse or justify her behaviors to herself. The frequency of her purging increased dramatically and on a few occasions she had engaged in full binges. During this time she also found she had become increasingly fixated on body image and weight, which was a rather new thing for her. In the past it was simply a non-issue. She had really been pretty comfortable with her image throughout her life.

It was after one particularly long and stressful day that she found herself awake at three in the morning. Forcing herself to bed, she fell into a fitful sleep. Rather than having dreams, the images in her mind were actual memories from her past.

_She had been summoned to the campus health office and she had a feeling of dread looming over her like a dark cloud. She had an idea what this was going to be about due to recent events. "Lisa Cuddy. I have an appointment," she announced after approaching the front desk._

_The woman at the desk gestured to a set of chairs against the far wall. Several minutes later the woman answered the phone and then spoke. "Please follow me."_

_She was led down a short hallway and into a room with a small sofa and several chairs. "Please take a seat."_

_She sat down on an uncomfortable chair and waited anxiously. She thought of possible alternatives for her summons but only came up with ones she knew were impossible, like having forgotten something vital on a health form this semester. _

_After an eternity, the door opened and a man and three women walked into the room. She stood as they came in. The man offered his hand to her to shake. She tried her best to wipe the sweat off of her palm onto her pant leg before briefly returning the handshake. Now she was absolutely sure about the reason she had been called here. It didn't take four people to correct a mistake on a physical form. _

"_Miss Cuddy," one of the women began, "It has come to our attention that there have been some concerns about your health recently." Lisa simply sat emotionless, staring at the quartet. Unphased, the woman continued. "We have reason to believe that you may be suffering from an eating disorder." This, of course, was not news to Lisa and she continued to sit and stare. "We understand that as a medical student you are under a great deal of stress, and sometimes students can develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. We also know that with therapy and other counseling, Bulimia Nervosa, especially with early intervention, has a good recovery rate."_

_She couldn't keep her straight face anymore. She burst out into a strange kind of laughter for a moment, surprising everybody in the room. "How early do YOU consider early intervention? I certainly don't consider 'twelve years later' being particularly prompt if you ask me," she finished, managing to reign in her laughter. _

_This was, apparently, the absolute wrong thing to say, and she immediately noticed the woman pause and change tactics. "We are going to have to insist that you withdraw from the current term. You will be allowed to reenroll in the January term provided you meet these requirements." Lisa read over the list of requirements which were on the typed sheet she had been handed, not the least of which required a written letter from a certified eating disorder program documenting that she had been evaluated, treated, and discharged to outpatient care. "We will also require you to be off campus by the day after tomorrow for liability purposes." _

_Lisa was in shock. She had known coming in here that this would be bad, but she had no idea. At the moment the only thought she had was what to tell her parents. Without saying anything she walked out of the health center and back to her apartment in a daze._

_After three hours locked in her room away from the prying eyes of her roommates, whom she was sure had ratted her out, she worked up the courage to call her parents and tell them she had to come home. _

_Just after the third ring her sister picked up. "Hello?"_

"_Hey Jules," she started in as normal a tone as she could. "I need to talk to mom."_

"_Ok, hold on a sec."_

_Her mother came to the phone. "Hello, Lisa."_

_It was now or never, and unfortunately, never wasn't an option. "Hi mom," was all she got out before the tears hit full force._

"_Lisa, honey, what's wrong?"_

"_I, I need to come home. Soon. Tomorrow actually."_

"_Why? What's wrong?"_

"_I… it was… well, my roommates…" Now that she was finally making the call the words wouldn't come._

"_Lisa, what did they do to you?"_

"_They… well, actually, I did it. All they did was talk."_

"_Talk about what?"_

"_They told some people at the health center that I was sick."_

"_So they're sending you all the way home because you have a cold?"_

"_I don't have a cold. I was throwing up." _

"_So they're sending you home because you have a stomach virus."_

_Lisa let out an exacerbated sigh. "For the love of God, Ma, I wasn't physically sick."_

_It took her mother a moment to process the information before she started back in. "Lisa! What in all that is holy is wrong with you? You stopped that! You got better!"_

_Lisa was crying about as hard as she ever had and started to shout at her mother and was feeling the onset of an anxiety attack, which was something she had come to know the feeling of quite well over the years. "No, mom, I didn't get BETTER, I just got BETTER at hiding it and lying about it. Obviously I didn't get good enough to hide it from, and lie about it, to five nosy grad students." Lisa waited for what felt like an eternity for her mother to respond. "Mom, please, just say something already."_

"_I don't know what to say, Lisa. I guess I'm just disappointed."_

"_Gee, I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter you always wanted me to be. Good thing you've still got Julia."_

"_Honey, that's not what I meant, you know that. I need to talk to your father and we'll make arrangements for you to fly home tomorrow. Will you be ok if I call you back a bit later?"_

"_Yeah, not like I have much of a choice."_

"_I'll call you later. Bye."_

"_Bye."_

_After regaining control of her breathing, Lisa began to pack her belongings when there was a knock on her bedroom door followed by the tentative words of one of her roommates. "Lisa? Are you ok?"_

_Lisa paused her packing. "Of course I'm not ok. You got me kicked out. I'm leaving tomorrow. You got what you wanted; just leave me the hell alone."_

"_Lisa, that's not what we wanted. We just wanted to help."_

_Help. Right. "You've helped, now fuck off."_

"_I'm sorry."_

_The rest of the night she was left alone in her room waiting for the call from her parents._

_Early the next afternoon she was greeted at the airport by her mother and sister. Julia walked up to her and gave her an extended hug. During this she whispered into her ear. "I'm sorry I never confronted you about this sooner. Maybe this could have been avoided."_

_Lisa pulled back. "You didn't know it was going on still, it's not your fault."_

"_Lise, I knew the whole time." She got a confused look in response. "Parents see what they want to believe. Sisters see the truth. I'm sorry."_

"_Like I said, it's not your fault." Together they walked to the car. _

_It wasn't far into the drive when Lisa made the startling realization that they were not headed home. She looked to Julia next to her. "We're not going back to the house," she stated._

"_No, we aren't," her mother answered. "You have an intake appointment at Devon at four."_

_Lisa was angry. "I can't even spend a night in my own bed?"_

_Her mother, however, remained completely cool. "I can only imagine what you do in your down time and I am not going to let you do those things for one more night. This stops right now."_

_Julia reached over and grabbed her sister's hand to try to reassure her that things would be ok, but it was little comfort._

* * *

_Lisa was sitting on one of the couches impatiently tapping her foot on the floor as she was reading through a new chapter in an endocrinology text. She had taken a liking to the field and was thinking about making it her specialty, but she hadn't decided yet. It wasn't long before a number of women ranging from about fourteen years old to about forty came out from down the hallway talking and joined her in the room. A girl in her late teens sat down near her._

"_Why are you here?" the girl asked. Lisa rolled her eyes and put her text off to the side. Clearly the girl was just being an ass because everybody was here for the same reason. "I didn't have much of a choice."_

"_You don't look like you belong here."_

"_Believe me, I'm grateful that my bones are on the inside of my skin instead of where yours are," she retorted._

"_It's better than being a hippopotamus."_

_Lisa was starting to get annoyed with the girl. She stood up and gestured to herself. "This is what a woman is supposed to look like, you know."_

"_You just keep telling yourself that, Bingie."_

_Lisa went from annoyed to pissed in a nanosecond after that insult. She moved to take a swing at the girl but in her pissed off state somehow managed to miss leaving the girl with the opportunity to lunge at her. Caught completely off guard, Lisa found herself underneath the girl on the floor. She could never claim to be very good at anything physical (at least, not this kind of physical); she wasn't coordinated, she wasn't strong, and she certainly wasn't athletic, but she did have a significant weight advantage over the emaciated anorexic, and she took it._

_She easily reversed their positions. Now she was leaning over the girl and had her legs pinned down underneath her own and her arms pinned to the floor by her right hand. She glared into her eyes like a predator._

"_What are you going to do now, kiss me?" the girl taunted._

"_Sorry, bitch, I like to drive stick," she said before landing a punch squarely into the girl's jaw._

_By this point the commotion had attracted the attention of not only the other patients but a number of the staff as well. Lisa was pulled off of the girl and "escorted" to her room before the door was locked. _

_She was a caged animal. She didn't belong here. She was pacing the length of the room, stopping occasionally to hammer the door with her fists. Her breathing became labored as her legs turned to jelly and her head started swimming. Great, an anxiety attack. _

_The door unlocked and the doctor and two aides came in. The doctor was holding a syringe. "You're not sedating me," she said flatly._

"_No, I'm not," he agreed. "This is just Ativan to help you calm down. The first few days here can be difficult and I can see you are having some trouble adjusting."_

_It was nearly impossible for her to think about the situation clearly through the fog and the feeling of her racing heart so she instead focused on the medical knowledge she could access. "Ativan. Lorazapam. Schedlue IV drug. Administered orally or intravenously. You're not getting a vein."_

_The doctor moved closer. "I can see that you've gotten a pharmacology course or two already, and I am getting a vein."_

_In her current state she didn't have the physical strength to fight back when one of the aides pulled her arm up and held it steady for the doctor to inject the medication. After a few seconds she could actually feel her body begin to calm down and she was actually thankful for that, not that she would ever admit that to them. He hadn't given her enough to sedate her, just enough to help her calm down. Probably 0.5-1mg. _

"_Dinner will be in about twenty minutes. Please come out by then. I expect there to be no more confrontations like that." She opened her mouth preparing to defend herself. "I am well aware that Del is an instigator, but you are responsible for your own actions and responses." The three others then left her alone in the room._

Lisa woke up and surveyed the darkness of her bedroom while remembering that hard time period. She recalled how for nearly two weeks she had fought the program and willingly created as much trouble as she could in order to get kicked out. Then there was the day when during one of her meetings with the doctor he said something to her.

_"You want to be a doctor, but you want this too. You can't have it both ways. Unless you succeed in this program, you will not be allowed back into your medical school. Unless you succeed with this program, you will not be allowed back into ANY medical school. You know that's the truth. This is on your record and it will stay there."_

_For the first time ever she understood the gravity of the situation. After that, things slowly started to change._

As she lay in the darkness she realized that she was again in a similar position. Something had to change. She couldn't have this and the life she wants. She needed a plan.

The next day she thought about things she liked to do. She wanted to find something to occupy her in the evenings, which was when she ran into problems. The only things she really had in her life were her work and Rachel. Obviously, neither of those were helping her in a way she needed. She could put all of her energy and love into her daughter, but as soon as Rachel went to sleep around seven every night, she could no longer handle the feeling of being utterly alone. She considered putting more hours into her work at the hospital but decided that was stupid since her job was already stressing her out enough. She even thought about offering to teach a night course at Princeton University's medical school, but she didn't think she had the energy to put into that.

Her mind then turned to leisure activities. When she was younger she always wished she could do something artistic. She had taken a drawing class once but had ended up extremely frustrated with her inability to produce anything up to her high standards of satisfaction. A smile crossed her face as she toyed with the idea of taking up kick boxing. She had always done whatever she could to turn her aggressive tendencies away from physical aggression and towards something more useful like her career. It worried her to think what might happen if the rubber band around her aggression snapped and she ended up killing somebody by accident. She needed something to help focus her energies rather than disperse them throughout the room.

That was actually something she had already found all those years ago when she had taken up yoga. It had been twenty years since she had done it anywhere other than her own home, but maybe she would give it a go somewhere else. This was finally the idea she settled on.

She found a place nearby that had group classes in the style she was familiar with in the evenings. She figured if she tried to go two or three evenings a week it might help. Her next task was to find a sitter for Rachel. She hated the idea of leaving Rachel with yet another sitter. She knew that her work took her away from her daughter more than she wanted it to, but she also knew that while she engaged in her symptoms she was no more there for her daughter than she would be if she were somewhere else. If she could just get a handle on her problems she could be the mom she strived to be. Somewhat reluctantly, she started interviewing potential sitters.

She went about this in a similar way with which she went about hiring new doctors for her hospital. After nearly two dozen interviews and a few background checks, she hired Tracie. Tracie was a physics major at Princeton. She also had the benefit of growing up the oldest of five siblings, so she had plenty of experience with children.

Lisa came home a little earlier on the first night she was to go to class. She gave Rachel a bath and then made some dinner. As she was sitting down to her own dinner she had a thought. If she ate and then immediately went to do yoga, between all of the downward dog and folded postures and then the inversions, she was likely to vomit without even trying and that would defeat the purpose of distracting herself in the first place, so she opted to just save the dinner for when she got home. She put Rachel to bed a half hour early after Tracie had arrived.

She thoroughly enjoyed the class. When she arrived home she felt calm and peaceful. It was wonderful. As she walked through the house the idea of what to do about her uneaten dinner came to mind. To be perfectly honest, she really did feel very good and she really didn't want to ruin her mood by having to deal with the whole "food thing", so she simply took a bath and then went to sleep.

This became her pattern on the days she went out at night. She considered these to be her good days. On the rest of the days, she was simply stuck to her old pattern. She felt it was good, though, because she figured she was doing less of the undesirable behaviors and more things which were good for her. She was finally more at peace than she had been in months.


	3. Emily

**Ok, so here goes chapter three and the introduction of my original character! I know many of you will probably not like what I'm going to do here but I have a ton of ideas to play with the dynamic of the two together and how they each effect the other, so if you have the patience, please stay with me here. Some of you may think you are getting a feeling where this might be headed, but chances are it might not be what you're expecting with regards to certain things. Without giving too much away, I'll just say that you might be surprised at some stuff. This is truly only the begining. **

**Also, as I've said before, I'm still working hard on IHYD, so hopefully I will have an update for that soon!**

**Please R&R, I'd like to know what you think.**

* * *

Emily Garrett was struggling with her emotions as she walked into Zen Spiritual Center. It was the ground floor of a small building in Princeton that specialized in classes of several different types of yoga styles as well as a few different meditation techniques. She had dabbled in yoga over the years, but she would have preferred to be at a dance studio. That was where she belonged. It was also part of what had gotten her into so much trouble back in December. Well, to be honest, the trouble started long before that; it simply came to a head at that point. That was why she came here to give her hand another try at yoga, more specifically the Ashtanga yoga which she had sometimes tried.

She was intensely uncomfortable in new situations and even more so around new people. To be comfortable, everything had to be in the right order and it had to be routine. For a moment she simply stood just a few feet inside of the doorway until she felt somebody behind her trying to get through. She looked around the front room and saw a few empty chairs. One chair was next to three women chatting loudly. Another was in between a man and a woman who appeared to be arguing. _How very calming, _she thought. The third chair she spotted was next to a woman who was completely absorbed in her blackberry. She decided that would be a safe place to sit.

She sat down next to the woman and started to try to focus her mind on something. Just about anything would do at this point. All she needed was to shut up some of the clamoring thoughts racing through her head. She found her eyes were drawn to the woman next to her. She noticed how she was simply stunning, even from the simple profile she was able to observe. _Not what you need right now,_ she thought. _You are not here to chase after the ladies. _She turned her gaze to the wall across the room; at least, she tried to. She kept sneaking quick glimpses out of the corners of her eyes. One of the first things she noticed about the woman was her hair. It was a beautiful deep shade of dark brown and had just a little wave in it. When she saw the woman put her blackberry away, she decided that she was definitely NOT going to look back. That was when she felt the gaze of the other woman on her.

Lisa had noticed someone sitting next to her but she was so absorbed in an email she was reading from a member of the board that she didn't have the thinking power needed to see who it was. She had only been coming here a few times a week for about two months, but she had gotten to know a fair number of the regulars. Finally finished, she looked to her right and saw that this was not someone she was familiar with. The woman looked like she was trying to center herself but then obviously gave up for the time being, so she decided to introduce herself. "Hi," she started.

Emily immediately broke her internal resolve and looked towards the other woman. The next thing she noticed about this woman was her eyes. She felt like she could get lost in those eyes forever. They were an amazingly unique shade of light blue. So light, in fact, that they were practically gray. The mysterious woman's welcoming gaze suddenly calmed her nerves a bit. "Hi," she responded feeling more than a little tongue tied.

Lisa's eyes momentarily locked with the other woman's and her breath was practically knocked out of her. Her very bright yet deep emerald eyes seemed to match perfectly with her golden hair. She couldn't figure out why, but she suddenly felt nervous. She pushed the feeling down and offered her hand. "I'm Lisa."

Emily took the hand and their hands lingered together for just a moment, and although neither woman would admit it, it felt like time had stopped for both of them. "Emily," she responded.

"Do," Lisa started her sentence but the word came out more like a squeak than an actual word. She cleared her throat, took a deep breath, and started again. "Do you come here often? I haven't seen you around, although I've only been coming for a couple of months."

Emily smiled and to Lisa it seemed as though her eyes became even brighter. "No, this is actually my first time. I recently moved here from Philadelphia. I actually haven't done much yoga before. I've tried it a few times, but I used to put my energy into other activities."

"Oh?" Lisa inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah." That was all Emily supplied.

Lisa was about to inquire about those other activities when she felt a vibration from the pocket of her bag that was resting against her leg. She pulled out the blackberry and read the brief message before sending one back just as quickly. "Sorry. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get away from work."

Emily nodded. "I used to know that feeling. You spend all day every day there to the point where your entire social life revolves around the people you work with. You never intend for that to happen, but eventually, after you lose your last connection to the outside world... I'm so much freer now I guess, but I miss it a little I suppose. What do you do?"

Lisa looked Emily in the eyes and then shied away slightly. "I run a hospital." Emily looked at her skeptically. "Seriously, I run a hospital. I'm a doctor. Well, I guess now I'm a doctor that does more with administration than actual medicine, but I still see patients. I'm the Dean of Medicine at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital," Lisa said as she absently tucked a stray lock of hair back behind her shoulder.

Emily was impressed.

"What do you do?" Lisa asked.

Emily made a silly face. "Nothing nearly as glamorous as that, I'm afraid. I'm a barista. I make coffee, espresso beverages, sandwiches, that kind of thing. It's just a temporary job though. I've been doing it for a few months now."

"What is it you want to do when 'temporary' is over?"

_Is this woman flirting with me?_ Emily wondered. She honestly wasn't sure at this point. The vibes she got from the other woman sent completely contradictory messages.

Emily thought. "I'm really not sure yet to be honest. I actually sort of like what I'm doing now I guess. I'm not feeling a whole lot of pressure to move on at this point."

Lisa saw that Emily appeared to be in her early thirties and probably not fresh out of college which made her curious. "So, Emily, if you've been at this for a few months, what is it you used to do?"

"I was a dancer," she responded casually.

Lisa blinked and simply stared at the woman. "Like a, uh, you know," she gestured with her hand a gesture that both women understood to mean 'as in an exotic dancer'. She looked at the woman. She was beautiful, that was for sure, but she didn't really have the body for an exotic dancer. She was sitting down but Lisa could tell that she was rather tall, or, at the very least, she had a few inches on herself, that much she had going for her. It was the rest of her build, though, that just didn't seem right. She was very thin and her breasts and hips just didn't seem like they would hold much appeal for the kinds of men who frequented that kind of dancer's venue, if House's tastes were anything to go by.

Emily laughed and Lisa felt an unfamiliar tightening in her chest. She didn't know what it was. "No, no, nothing like that," Emily said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I was a ballerina. I used to dance with the Pennsylvania Ballet."

Now _that _she certainly had the build for, Lisa thought. She was about to say something else when the pair noticed that many of the other people waiting were beginning to file into the back room. Emily followed Lisa in and chose a spot on the floor towards the back of the room next to her. They unrolled their mats before the class began with breathing. Throughout the entire class Emily tried as hard as she could to focus and concentrate internally, but she couldn't. Every chance she got she snuck peeks at Lisa. Everything about the woman was perfect; her balance, her movements, not to mention the fact that her body was seriously put on this earth to drive her insane.

"Namaste," the class finished.

As everyone was as packing up their belongings nobody spoke. When they entered the front room Lisa broke the silence between the two. "So, how did you like the class?"

Emily considered her answer. "It was very good. I found it relaxing, but my…" She was about to say eyes, but caught herself just in time. "My mind kept wandering."

Lisa smiled. That was a sight Emily could become easily addicted to. _Stop it! You need to stop thinking like that!_ Emily was lost in thought until Lisa spoke. "Yeah, that happens sometimes, especially when you're really stressed."

The two were now standing in the middle of the parking lot. Lisa felt like she couldn't move. What she wanted more than anything at that very moment was to remain in the other woman's presence. It was at that moment she realized that she desperately wanted this woman to become a friend. She very much wanted to get to know Emily. No, scratch that. She very much NEEDED to get to know Emily. "Do you think you're going to come back?" she asked.

Emily smiled again and Lisa felt that same tightening in her chest. "Yeah, I think I will. When do you usually come?"

"Ideally I like to come Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I plan on coming Wednesday again."

"Well then," said Emily. "I hope to see you then." Reluctantly, the two parted ways. _You're in big trouble now, _thought Emily. She had known Lisa for less than two hours and she was already falling for her hard. _You're an idiot._

* * *

Usually when Lisa returned home after doing yoga she felt calm and collected. Today she was a mess. During the short ride home all she could think about was Emily. She saw the woman's eyes, her smile, the way she so casually tied her shoulder length hair into a loose ponytail, even the subtle flaring of her nostrils as she laughed, every time she went into her memory. She thought about the way she felt funny every time she got a smile or a laugh from Emily. Nobody had ever had that effect on her before. She didn't know what to make of it. She didn't even know what it meant. All she knew was that she had to know this woman. She walked inside the house and paid Tracie before checking on her sleeping daughter.

Her thoughts were still racing. She was finding it hard to focus on anything so she tried to go through some of her techniques for relaxing. Deep breathing didn't help. _Sparkling emerald eyes and golden hair. _She couldn't even get herself to step onto the "relaxation elevator". _Gentle laugh and easy smile. _She pulled out a stack of files from her briefcase and hoped that she could exhaust her mind with mundane tasks but she couldn't manage to make the letters on the page form coherent words let alone sentences or full reports so she gave up with that. _Emily. _She made her way into the bedroom and put on some soothing music before drawing a hot bubble bath. Around the bathroom she placed a few of her favourite (and well matched) aromatherapy candles. She finished off the mood of the room with a glass of her favourite red wine before lowering herself into the bath.

It wasn't nearly long enough later that the bath had grown cool, the bubbles had disappeared, her wine glass had been drained, and the candles had burned low. She was still just as out of sorts as she had been before. She dressed in a pair of comfortable, light pajamas fitting for the warm July evening and cleaned up the items strewn around the bathroom.

She stood in front of the kitchen sink while washing the glass and looked around at her surroundings, surveying the room. She knew of one thing that would shut her mind off, but she also knew that was the one thing she _couldn't _do. Despite her racing thoughts about Emily, now compounded by thoughts about work thanks to having tried to look at a report or two, she could clearly hear one particular train of thought standing out. _No, no, no! This stops now! Yes, you relapsed for a few months. Get over it. Many people do. It's not uncommon. You're done. _Satisfied with her decision, she walked to the living room and flicked on the television to see what could help to silence her mind.

It was just over an hour later that she was sitting on her heels on the bathroom floor having just finished what she had decided she would definitely never do again just a short while ago. She noticed, though, that for the first time in hours, her mind was silent. No more racing thoughts; no more worries. Just nothing. _It's far from good, but there are one or two worse ways to shut up your brain,_ she thought. _Death would be one of them for sure. _

After getting ready for bed she checked on Rachel one more time before tucking herself into bed, exhausted. Just before drifting off into dreamland she wondered for a quick flash of a second what Emily was doing at that moment.

* * *

When Emily got home she briefly entered her apartment to grab a bottle of water before going back outside. She quickly jogged the half mile to the park nearby before starting her night run. It was already getting dark so she knew she wouldn't get in as long of a run as she usually would have liked. She figured she could only get in a little over half before it got too dark to see even with the lamps which studded the jogging path, but eventually her eyes adjusted and she completed her run to her satisfaction. She walked the route back to her apartment and let herself in.

By the time she had showered and changed it was nearly midnight. She flipped through the guide menu of several hundred channels on her television. Thanks to the God of digital cable you could get just about anything any time of day. She turned on an old favourite of hers, ER. It was long finished its run, but the repeats still played late at night on an obscure channel that specialized in shows from the past two decades. ER, she thought. Lisa was a doctor… That put a smile on her face.

She left the television on in the other room as she walked through to the kitchen to make some herbal tea all the while thinking about Lisa. There was something about the woman that just seemed magical. On the exterior she projected a cool calmness, but Emily could tell that inside the woman had a storm of insecurities and heartache brewing. All she wanted to do was to comfort Lisa and let her know that there were people out there who still cared. She couldn't figure out though _why_ she cared. After all, she didn't even actually KNOW the woman, but she was damn sure she wanted to. Ok, she had to admit, she was definitely attracted to her, but even so…

Emily walked back into the living room and immediately recognized the episode that was airing. It was 'Ambush'. That was the episode that they had done live on air on both the east coast and then the west coast a few hours later. It was actually pretty good. She couldn't remember the exact plot, though. As she neared the coffee table she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks. That woman. _That woman._ Stunned, she completely forgot she was holding onto a steaming cup of tea and it fell from her hands shattering into pieces spilling the hot liquid across the floor. Whoever that actress who was playing the documentarian was, she looked and sounded like she could be Lisa's twin. Hell, she might actually be for all Emily knew. Hell, for all she knew that actually WAS Lisa. She shook her head and decided to change the channel before she went crazy, settling on the movie Ella Enchanted. It was a children's movie and she was thirty-one, but she had a soft spot for that kind of entertainment. After cleaning up the mess, she remembered to set the alarm on her cell phone before getting too engrossed. Like most nights, she fell asleep on the couch instead of in her bed. It was now only two hours before she had to get up for the morning.


	4. Friends

**A/N: Another update. Finally! **

**I had an idea a while ago to bring a few other fandoms into this story. Neither of them will play a very big role in the story, just a little fun addition if you are familiar with the TV shows. In this chapter I introduce the connection to In Plain Sight. If you don't know it, don't worry, I don't think you will miss much with the story.**

**I am hoping to have another chapter of IHYD up soon, hopefully this week or early next week, so if you read that, stay tuned!**

**Please enjoy and review!**

Wednesday evening Lisa pulled into the parking lot of the yoga studio. She smiled as she saw the silhouette of Emily standing on the sidewalk not far from the door. She got out of her car and walked towards her. "You know, those things will kill you," she said, gesturing at the cigarette between Emily's fingers.

Emily snuffed the tiny butt out with her foot, grinning slightly. "After the amount of coke I've snorted I'm pretty sure I've got some bigger problems."

Lisa chuckled briefly before seeing the look on the other woman's face and realizing that it may not have been a joke after all.

"Don't worry; I'm sober." A sudden awkwardness settled between the two. Emily took another cigarette out of the pack and offered one to Lisa who declined. After lighting it and taking a deep drag, Emily started to fidget slightly.

"Are you ok?" After receiving a questioning glance, she explained. "I can usually recognize agitation when I see it. If it's what I said, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Lisa was feeling distinctly uncomfortable herself at the moment. She really didn't like the thought of being the source of Emily's discomfort. Lisa received a shake of the head along with a small smile from the other woman and breathed out a sigh of relief.

"You really don't want to hear about my shit, trust me."

Lisa stepped closer to Emily and placed a comforting palm on her arm. "I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but if you want to talk about it, I'd love to listen. I have to admit, you've been on my mind for the past two days." The last part she said quietly, a little embarrassed.

Emily put out the now finished cigarette. "Do you have any siblings?" she asked.

Lisa was surprised by the question. "Yes, I do. I have a younger sister, Julia. Do you?"

"If you had asked me that yesterday, I would have said no, but today…"

Lisa raised an eyebrow in interest.

"I got a call from a woman named Brandi Shannon in Albuquerque. She has been looking for her half siblings for years. I guess I'm it. She has an older sister, Mary. She said that she has no memories of her father, but her sister has a few. I don't remember him either. I'm not sure how I feel about having family. Since I was ten the closest thing I've had to an actual family was…" _Maggie, _she thought, "…were a couple paid by the state to take care of me and a few other lost souls." Emily wasn't sure what caused her to just spill this information to someone she had only just met. She simply had this instinctual feeling that she could trust Lisa and she felt comfortable talking to her.

Lisa was a little stunned. Obviously, this turn in life was deeply troubling Emily. It troubled her enough that she would talk about it to a virtual stranger. Maybe that was just Emily's way, though, she didn't know. She also didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry you didn't get to know your dad." _Well that was lame, _she thought.

Emily laughed, obviously noting Lisa's lack of something effective to say. "Eh, can't miss what you never had, right?"

"I guess that's one way to think about it, but you can wonder what it would have been like."

Emily paused to consider this idea when the pair saw the group inside move into the room and went inside for class, joining them.

An hour later they walked out the front door side by side. Feeling like she needed to prolong their time together, Emily had an idea. "Lisa?" she started, trying to get her attention.

"Yeah?" came the distracted response from the other woman.

Emily placed a hand on the back of Lisa's shoulder blade and continued on with her thought. "I was wondering if you wanted to grab some coffee or something. You know, just hang out for a little bit, but only if you want. I happen to know a place right by your hospital. I don't know if you've ever been in there, Queen Bean? It's where I work. We close up around nine but we can stay later, someone is usually there past ten and I do have keys."

Lisa turned her face to Emily smiling broadly. Emily's hand automatically fell to Lisa's, her finger tips grazing her palm. As if a switch had been flipped the smile was wiped off of the other woman's face and she pulled back a step. "I would love to, really, but I have to get home. I really wish I could," she said, apologetically. She really _did_ want to go for coffee but the thought of Tracie at home taking care of her daughter was on her mind. She had told the sitter she would be home by nine. For a split second she thought she saw a look on Emily's face that she had seen on her own many times, one of complete loneliness, but as soon as it was there it was gone, forcing her to wonder if it had been there at all. "If we arrange it ahead of time I'd love to, though, just not tonight. Um, Friday night maybe?"

Emily smiled, a little self consciously. "Sure, that sounds great. I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to get home either, I open the store most days, tomorrow included."

They stood there for a moment longer before a wave of light headedness washed across Lisa. She pressed the heel of her hand into her temple and momentarily squeezed her eyes shut.

"Hey, are you ok?" Emily asked, concerned, reaching a hand out in case she needed to steady herself. She knew that look.

Lisa waved off the offered hand, embarrassed that she had let this happen in public. "Yeah, I guess my day is just catching up with me."

Emily gave her a reassuring smile. "Go home. Drink something, eat something, and get some rest. Trust me, it'll help." She knew this from experience. There had been an occasion or two when she had actually given in to her perceived weakness and done the sensible thing for herself.

"And here I was thinking _I_ was the doctor," Lisa joked. "But you're right, that does sound like what I need. I have a tendency to take care of everything and everyone except myself, especially when life gets busy."

Emily again reached out her hand and took Lisa's and looked her directly in the eyes. "Hey, you're important too. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others around you." Lisa was lost in the depth of emerald as Emily spoke. As soon as the words themselves where finished, Lisa was sure those emeralds conveyed an additional message. _I know._

She immediately broke eye contact as well as the physical contact, completely freaked out. "I, ah, I really need to get home," she stammered. "I'll see you Friday." She quickly walked to her car leaving Emily to reflect on what had just happened.

Emily couldn't believe how she had just behaved. She finally had a chance to have a friend and she may have completely just blown it. She had come on way too strong. She hadn't even meant to come on in that way at all, but it had happened. The signals she was getting from Lisa had been completely confusing to her as well. One second it felt like she wanted a friendship, the next maybe something more, and the next she was running away so fast she wasn't sure what had just happened. Had it been so long since she had had any type of relationship, friend or otherwise, that she just didn't know how to do it anymore? She slowly made her way to her own car with tears starting to cloud her vision.

CUDDYCUDDYCUDDY

Around eight thirty the next morning Lisa walked into a very crowded Queen Bean Coffee before going to the hospital. She wanted to see Emily and make sure she was ok after her sudden departure the night before. After thinking about it, she knew that there was no way Emily could know about her "secret life" and felt that she was simply being paranoid. As she waited in line for her turn, she took a good look around.

The woman on the register shouted over her shoulder at the person manning the espresso machine. "Yo, Ballet! We need a double Ball Buster and a Hot Clucker!"

"You got it, Ren!" Suddenly a loud crash was heard reverberating throughout the room, along with a cheer of "Q'Pla!" from the man also working as well as a few of who she assumed were regular custumers.

"Everybody awake yet?" called the woman from behind the espresso machine. "Nothing like a pitcher of scalding milk splashing down the front of you to get the morning going, right?"

That was when Lisa recognized the voice of Emily from behind the steamy machine. Well, the fact that the person named Ren had called the woman Ballet didn't hurt either. She decided to speak up. "Are you ok, Emily?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Thank- Lisa! Hey!" Emily smiled but quickly returned her attention to the machine in front of her. "I'm fine, thanks. Just a little milky now. How are you? Are you feeling better?" She absently tried to tuck her bangs which were in the "too long for bangs but too short for anything else" stage behind her ears.

"I'm great, thanks. Rest did me a lot of good. I'll leave you alone. It looks like you are quite busy."

"I am, but getting bothered by you…" Her sentence was cut off abruptly by one of the portafilters virtually exploding out of the machine after she had neglected to tighten it all the way. "Crabby patties!"

Lisa chuckled at her creative explicative. "Really, I can see I'm distracting you. I'll let you get back to work and I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

"Sure," Emily said with a huge grin. After Lisa walked back into line Emily made her way over to Renee at the register and whispered into her ear. "Ren, see that woman back there with the wavy dark hair in the suit? Whatever she wants is on me today."

Renee looked over at Emily with a knowing grin. "Sure thing, Em. Nice catch!"

Emily blushed slightly. "She's not mine, in fact, she's really just a friend I only met a few days ago, but I uh…" She blushed even more deeply before Renee gave her a knowing smile. Emily made her way back behind the espresso machine and continued on with the orders.

When it was finally Lisa's turn, she gave Renee the order for her coffee. She wasn't in the mood for anything fancy so she simply got a black Guatemalan blend. She was utterly surprised when Renee insisted that her beverage was on the house today so in return she insisted on leaving the price of the coffee in the tip jar. While she was waiting for her drink, she was distracted by a slight commotion from around the espresso machine.

"You know, Ballet, that really hurt the other day when you refused to let me take you on a date," a man said, half joking.

"Aw, I'm really sorry about that, it's just, you see, you're really not my type," she answered with a smile.

"Well, if you ever decide you want to date black people, here's my number." He slipped her a piece of paper with a few digits written on it.

Emily looked at him sympathetically while trying not to laugh. "Race truly has nothing to do with my decision, you know," she said with a teasing smile.

"Aw, come on. Now you're just messing with me. What's so wrong with me that you won't let me take you out? It's just one date!"

Emily put down the cup she was holding and leaned across the counter as if to tell him a secret but instead shouted across the room. "Honey, I'm flattered, really, but it's not you; it's your gender."

The man's friends started whooping after her statement and the man acted like he had been punched. "Seriously? You just get hotter by the second!" he exclaimed. "You sure about that date? I mean, your lady friend is welcome to tag along too…"

Emily shook her head. "Yes, I'm sure, and I don't currently have a lady friend, but nice try." She couldn't help stealing a quick glance in Lisa's direction, but hoped that it had gone unnoticed.

Lisa picked up the coffee Renee had placed on the counter in front of her and watched the display with amazement. Emily certainly had a way with customers, that was for sure. Each man in the group placed a bill or two into Emily's tip jar before exiting Queen Bean. Lisa smiled at her as their eyes met before she also exited and made her way to the hospital to begin her day.

When she got to her office, Cuddy was surprised to see someone there. Actually, shocked would be the right word. She double checked her watch which did, indeed, read just before nine and looked back up at her desk chair to see House still occupying her seat. Her good mood immediately deflated. "What do you want, House?"

He simply stared at her, scrutinizing her, as she went about her normal routine upon entering her office. He watched as she placed her bag on the floor and took out her "doctor" supplies and placed them in the pockets of her lab coat which hung on the coat rack. His silence was irritating her. She slammed her coffee cup on the desk in front of him before asking again, this time with quite a bit more venom, "What do you _want_, House?"

"You, Cuddy," he said simply.

She let out a slightly sarcastic laugh. "In your dreams. Get out of my chair."

"I don't want _you_, well, maybe your funbags, although, you've gotta admit, those really aren't as fun recently, are they? No, I just want to know what's going on in your head."

She sighed. She really didn't need this, so she tried to get rid of him as fast as possible. "The only thing going through my head is the thought of how much I want you out of my office. As for my "funbags", it's called getting older, which happens to all living beings. Despite the rumors you try to spread, I am one. You got your answer, now get out of my chair."

He didn't budge. "You're constantly tired, you're cranky, which can't be explained by PMS since you're not at that point in your cycle, and you've lost weight. What's up with that?"

She could feel her pulse and breathing quicken. "I'm a single mother who runs a hospital. I'm allowed to be tired. You're in my office for no reason, thus the crankiness. The stress of dealing with you is causing a decrease in appetite. Satisfied?"

To her relief, he vacated her chair and walked to the door. Before leaving he turned around. "If I had said that to you six months ago, you wouldn't have justified me with a response, yet now you feel like you need to make excuses. You think you're fooling everyone, but you can't fool me." He turned back around and left her alone with that.

She locked her office door behind him and walked into her private bathroom, locking that door as well. Leaning against the sink she brought her hands to her face, breathing deeply, trying not to go into a panic attack. Of course he knew. He knew her too well. He knew everything about everything. He was always right. But really, so what? She purged, although she refused to acknowledge how often, she binged sometimes, and maybe she "forgets" to eat to the point where she feels foggy or gets dizzy and her arms and legs start to tingle. Fine. It wasn't a problem, though, really. It didn't rule her life. It didn't get in the way of things. She did it on her own time. It wasn't like she was coming to work drunk like some people or high on Vicodin like House or anything. She wasn't doing anything she could actually get into _trouble _for or get a patient killed because of.

Feeling a little calmer, she carefully splashed some water on her face making sure to not completely ruin her makeup and caught sight of her shaking hands, particularly noticing her damaged nails, and scowled. _Damned hydrochloric acid, _she thought. She would have to do something about that. Luckily, right now dark, opaque nail polish was in style and not thought of as a marker for a disturbed teenager as it had been when she was younger.

Still feeling unsettled but much better than a few minutes ago she walked back to her desk and took note of the stack of paperwork she had to get through today and then over to her coffee cup. Just seeing the Queen Bean logo was enough to bring the memory of Emily smiling at her as she left the store back to the forefront of her mind, causing her to smile and forget about House for the time being. She couldn't wait until tomorrow. She didn't know _why _she couldn't wait, though. She had coffee with other friends, right? No, the truth was she really didn't. She didn't really even have friends. She finally had a friend.

**Like what you see? Hate what you see? It really won't change my story/writing/mind, but I'd love to hear your opinion!**


	5. Emotions

**A/N: Yes, I do realize it has been well over a year since I've written ANYTHING. I do apologize. I have been doing all of my writing in my head and none of it on the computer. I know this chapter is short, but hopefully it won't be another year before I write again.**

**A/N 2: There are possibly some VERY triggering eating disorder bits in this chapter. I will use pounds before and after what I think is the worst of it but I am warning you in advance. Like most of this story, I feel that it is pretty much all triggering to some degree.**

* * *

It was finally Friday. Lisa Cuddy was standing in front of her dresser picking through the drawer of exercise clothes looking for something half decent to wear tonight. Rachel was on her bed telling her all about her day. She finally decided on a sea green tank top and a pair of Capri length black yoga pants with a light blue waist band. After changing, she looked herself over in the full length mirror and grimaced. According to her scale she had lost weight, over fifteen pounds since January, but her reflection told her differently, so she changed her pants. She changed her pants again. After she changed her pants for the third time she knew that the problem was not with her wardrobe but with herself. Obviously, at 111 pounds, she wasn't thin enough yet. Feeling a bit defeated, she put on the original choice as the doorbell rang.

Rachel darted out of the bedroom and let Tracie in through the front door. Lisa greeted her and gave her the usual run down about Rachel's routine.

"Oh, I just wanted to remind you that I will be home later than usual tonight. I'm going to have coffee with my friend Emily after class for a bit, but I shouldn't be back too late," she said as she was moving towards the door.

"No problem, Dr. C. We'll be fine here. You go have fun!" Tracie was already sitting down on the floor with Rachel who was getting out all of the pieces for a game of Chutes and Ladders.

After kissing Rachel again, Lisa left to go to the studio.

When she reached her destination, she saw Emily standing outside in the same spot as two days earlier, again with a cigarette in her hand. "Hey," she greeted as she approached.

"Hey," Emily responded with a smile. It was the same kind of smile that made Lisa's chest tighten. The two stood there in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before they went in for class. Throughout the entire class Lisa was nervous and excited, but it felt like the hour was taking a century to pass.

Finally, they sat across from each other at a corner table in the Queen Bean sipping on their coffees. "So tell me," Lisa starts. "How does someone go from dancing professionally to making coffee?"

The silence that had previously settled between the two was suddenly rife with tension. Emily tilted her head to the side, thinking. She was going to make a joke but surprised herself last minute by deciding to give the honest answer. "I passed out on stage. It was during a dress rehearsal. I was part of the corps de ballet, but in this ballet I had finally gotten an actual role. All I remember is waking up on the ground. I insisted I was fine, that I had simply pushed myself a little further than I should have, but the company made me go to the hospital to get checked out just to make sure. They ran a drug screen and I tested positive for cocaine. It was an automatic dismissal; I was done." She took a slow sip of coffee while gathering her thoughts. "I spent some time in rehab, and then moved here to start fresh."

Lisa tried to imagine losing your entire livelihood just like that, but couldn't. "Do you miss it?" she asked.

After a moment, Emily answered. "I will find a new place."

Lisa reached a hand across the table. "If you ever want someone to talk to, about anything, call me any time."

"Thanks, Lise, that really means a lot to me. Same to you. I'm never doing anything of much importance, so you don't have to worry about bothering me." That last sentence earned her an amused expression.

The two continued, the conversation returning to lighter topics until it was time to part ways. They continued to meet for coffee and conversation after nearly every class, both enjoying the feeling of having a close friend, but also feeling something else as well.

* * *

Tracie had gotten sick. It was easy to blame it all on someone else, or in this case, someone else as well as something that was not someone's fault at all. The babysitter had come over to the house looking like she would fall over. Naturally, Lisa had sent her back home to get some rest, adding that she needed to drink fluids and if she didn't feel better in a day or two she was to stop by the clinic to get checked. She could blame it all on Tracie. She could blame it all on the flu. She could almost, _almost, _even blame it on Rachel.

Her daughter had made the evening unbelievably trying for her after she had sent Tracie home. Rachel had been looking forward to spending time with the young woman and was upset that she wasn't getting the chance today. Upset to the tune of a five year old's temper tantrum. After what felt like hours the screaming finally stopped and Rachel was now in bed. Whether or not she was sleeping Lisa didn't really care at this point, as long as she was quiet.

**#####**

She knew exactly what she was doing every step of the way, and she didn't try to stop. It was almost a spiritual experience. Her anger was dumped into the pot of boiling water along with the macaroni. Her frustration was stirred into a cheese sauce. Her sadness was slathered onto bread along with a dose of garlic. Her guilt was spread onto cookies. Her fear bubbled in a large glass of soda. It would all be fine soon. Everything would be back under control soon, as long as she only took thirty-five minutes. When she looked hard enough she could even see all of those horrible emotions layed out so carefully in front of her. Checking the time, she started. One by one every feeling that plagued her began to disappear from her sight, but they were all still there. Then, finally, it all _was_ fine. Everything had been expelled. The anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, fear, and finally, the food she had eaten. It was fine.

**#####**

But something wasn't right. Something wasn't fine. The moment the noise in her head cleared she heard the unmistakable sounds of Rachel talking to someone, and the brief moment of "fine" was gone. Mustering all of the confidence she could on shaky legs she did her best to storm out of the bathroom with dignity. She saw her daughter sitting cross legged on her bed talking on her cell phone.

"Rachel! Put down my phone and go to your room! I already told you to go to bed. I will not tolerate this!" The only thing that prevented her from continuing on her tirade was the realization that Rachel was actually talking to somebody on her phone. She grabbed the phone out of the little girl's hand and without even bothering to look who was on the other end of the line, she ended the call. She picked Rachel up and carried her back to her own bedroom before dropping her onto the bed. "I don't care if you end up wetting your bed tonight, you are _not _to leave this room again. Do you understand me?" Her daughter only looked up at her with her eyes wide, tears threatening to fall.

That is when it hit Lisa. She was scaring her daughter. That scared her. She was _hurting _her daughter. She wanted to make things right. Her expression softened. "I'm sorry," she said, reacing a hand out to Rachel. Her daughter scooted to the other side of the bed and buried herself into the blankets and pillows. With heavy tears and a heavy heart Lisa left Rachel's room and walked back to her own.

This wasn't fine.

She picked up the discarded cell phone off of the bed and looked at the call log. Rachel had been talking to Emily. The two had never met. She decided that she owed her friend an explanation, or at the very least, a return call. She had missed yoga class and their coffee "date" so she called her back.

"Lisa," came the response after just one ring.

"Hi, Emily. I'm so sorry about earlier. I..." she really didn't know how she was going to finish that sentence. This was not well thought out at all.

"Are you ok? You weren't at class earlier so I thought I'd call and a kid answered, and at first I thought I had the wrong number... I asked for you and she said you were "Mommy". I didn't know you had a daughter. But she said you couldn't talk because you were in the bathroom throwing up. I won't tie you up if you're sick, we can talk some other time."

The only response Lisa could provide at first was dead silence. She had been caught. "I- no, I'm fine. She was obviously mistaken by what she heard." The words sounded fake and she knew that Emily could hear it too.

"Are you sure? You don't sound fine".

"No, I mean yes. I mean, I don't know what I mean." She was so confused that she couldn't even find the words to say.

"I know it's not polite to invite yourself to someone else's house, but I'm really concerned right now. Will you let me come over? Just for a few minutes at least?"

Before she knew it, she had given Emily her address. In the time it took for her friend to arrive she had managed to get herself moving enough to take some ibuprofen for her pounding headache, change into something that didn't make her feel like she had just vomited, and drip some eyedrops into her eyes to try to get rid of the bloodshot look caused by the purging but only exacerbated by her crying.

A gentle knock on the door alerted her to Emily's arrival. She opened the door and the two stood there awkwardly for a few moments before Lisa invited her in. Now they stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room.

"Uh, can I... can I get you something to drink?" Lisa offered.

"Sure..." Now that she was here Emily had absolutely no idea what to do.

"Tea?" Emily nodded. Lisa started towards the kitchen with Emily following only to remember, too late, that with Rachel's distraction she had not yet cleared the dishes or the pots from her binge. "Sorry about the mess," she said sheepishly, again finding herself at a loss for a reasonable explanation.

As the water heated the Emily helped clear the dishes from the table and put the pots in the sink to soak. During this time she kept looking at Lisa, seeing things she didn't want to see but knowing they were there all the same. She watched her hands work, the hands she dreamed would explore every part of her body, and saw the small cuts and bruises. When she saw the lips that she longed to kiss she saw them dry and cracked. She watched Lisa rub up and down her chest a few times on three occasions brushing it off as simple acid reflux, "Comes with getting older," she said. She wasn't sure still, but it seemed to add up. It made Emily want to cry, knowing that her friend was living in such a tortured world, one which she, herself, had too much experience with already.

They drank their tea in silence, both lost in their thoughts.

"Thank you for coming over," Lisa started. "I'm really ok, you don't need to waste your night."

"A night with you is never wasted," Emily responded.

They walked to the door. There was again a moment of awkwardness as they said their goodbyes.

**#####**

With Emily having gone home Lisa was again left to her own thoughts. Later as she lay in bed she could feel the burn of acid travelling up her esophagus and briefly wondered if all of this was worth it. Of course it was. She was going to binge anyway, she was already far too fat, and throwing up was the only way to make up for her lack of self control. Drifting off into sleep her fingers brushed her slightly more pronounced hipbones. It was definitely worth it.

**Please Review if you'd be so kind. I don't mind flames but I do like to hear your thoughts on the story. I have every intention of continuing on no matter what and I know where this will go, so if you have a problem with it, it won't stop me, just stop reading... This is more for me than anything else. Thank you :)**


	6. Let Myself Feel

**A/N: As usual, I apologize for the long wait between updates. I know that I say all the time that I am notoriously slow with updates, and I am holding true to my word so far. The good news is that I had most of the next chapter written already, it was one of the first I did, although it is rather short. At the end of this chapter House brings up a point that I think some people may already be thinking about with regards to this story, and I want to reiterate that this story is NOT going in that direction, so while it is classified as triggering, it's not going to be that kind of story. Having said that, there are triggering bits in this chapter as well, although not as bad as last chapter I think.**

**Also, I have not given up on I Hope You Dance, but to say it again, it's stuck in my head and not coming out...**

**Lastly, I don't own any of the characters except for Emily, so don't ask to buy them!**

* * *

Emily was pacing her run while listening to a new playlist on her iPod. She had nearly completed her ninth mile when she looked over at the children's playground area. It was mid-morning and this particular early fall Sunday's weather was particularly nice, so there were many young children playing with their mothers and fathers watching from nearby. She continued to observe the happy families until she spotted a familiar woman sitting on a bench watching a group of young children. She practically tripped over her own feet at that point. Lisa was sitting relaxed on the bench enjoying the morning sun. She almost didn't recognize her. Rather than her hair having its slight wave, it cascaded across her shoulders in small rings playfully. She had no idea that the other woman's hair was actually curly and this made her smile. The more she learned about her, the harder she fell for her.

She pulled her ear buds out as she neared the park bench. She was certainly nothing worth looking at right then being all sweaty, but she felt compelled to stop and say hi. She took a long swig from her water bottle before approaching the bench and sitting down next to Lisa. "Hey, you," she said.

Surprised, Lisa turned towards her. "Hi," she said with a warm smile. "I didn't think I would run into you here."

Emily smiled back. "I only live about half a mile away. I try to come here every day for a run. I don't always make it, but I do try. I didn't know you came here too." She thought for a second. "I guess since you work on campus it makes sense though."

Lisa looked over at the playground for a moment while processing what Emily had just said. She considered the idea of going for a run daily. She used to run. It would certainly help her get in shape if she did more exercise. After spotting Rachel running in circles with another young girl she looked back towards Emily. "When the weather is nice I bring Rachel here to play. She loves it."

"I bet she does. Where is she?" Emily was eager to meet Rachel. She had heard about her from Lisa and she had had the one brief conversation on the phone, but that was a far cry from meeting her in person.

Lisa pointed out a young girl wearing a blue sweater and jeans now over by the swings. "Looks like she's trying to do the 'Swing Superman' again", Lisa commented. "The last time she did that she ended up doing a face plant on the wood chips." Noticing Emily's look of alarm, she added, "It was nothing serious, I'm just surprised she's trying it again is all".

The two women sat watching the children play for a few moments in silence and before long Rachel was running back towards her mother. "Mommmeeeeeeeeeee" she squealed as she dashed along the grass with her dark hair bouncing on her back behind her. Lisa stood up as her daughter neared and Emily followed.

When Rachel reached her mother she positioned herself behind Lisa, using her leg as a shield from the stranger even though it was clear that she was curious about the blonde. Lisa turned around and kneeled down to be face to face with Rachel. "Rach, this is my friend Emily. Emily, this is my daughter Rachel," she introduced.

Rachel took a step out from behind her mother, although she still held onto her leg with a death grip. "Hi Emlee," she said hesitantly. "Do you like the monkey bars?" she suddenly asked boldly.

Emily smiled. "They are my favorite part of the playground! Do _you_ like the monkey bars?"

"Yeah! I love them but sometimes I need help. Wanna go play?" Emily glanced at Lisa, and after getting the ok, the duo made their way over to the monkey bars to go have some fun.

As Lisa watched the two play she felt a stirring inside herself. She lifted Emily's water bottle up from the bench next to her and opened it to take a sip. It smelled faintly of coffee, cigarettes, and peppermint gum. A smile crossed her lips. _Is this what happiness feels like, _she wondered? If so, she could get used to it.

Lisa saw Rachel running back towards her, once again shouting, "Mommeeeeeeee!" as she ran. After reaching her destination, she continued, slightly out of breath. "Mommy, Emily wants to know if we can all go get ice cream! Please?"

Lisa chuckled, all her attention on Rachel. "She does, now, does she?"

"Yes, Mommy." Lisa looked up to the other woman for a moment. Emily put her hands in front of her as if to say 'I have nothing to do with this'. "Wellll, I think that would be just fine as long as she still wants to come with us?" She once again looked at Emily who gave a shy grin.

"Sounds like a plan," Emily confirmed.

As they sat at the table at the ice cream shop, Rachel was happily eating spoonfuls of bright blue cotton candy flavored ice cream while Lisa and Emily were enjoying coffees. Out of nowhere, a blue spoonful of ice cream came headed straight for Lisa's mouth. "Here Mommy," Rachel said, before getting the majority of the spoonful in her nose rather than her mouth. Emily tried her best to stifle her laughter, but it was no use.

"Rachel, you know better than that," Lisa admonished while wiping the blue mess off of her face. Rachel simply giggled and apologized.

Noticing a small spot of blue still on her friend's cheek, Emily leaned over the table and wiped it off with her finger, allowing the rest of her fingers to trail along Lisa's jawline. Neither woman breathed for a moment, nor did they bring any attention to what had just transpired as they settled back into the comfortable rhythm they had had all afternoon.

Nobody noticed the tall man with a cane standing across the street watching.

* * *

She paced around the room trying to distract herself from the gnawing feeling of her hunger. She was so hungry. _I shouldn't be hungry right now, _she thought to herself. _I've already eaten enough today. There is no reason to be hungry. _She thought back to starting her day with the eggs and toast with Rachel before school. They were going to be late, no time to do anything about having eaten so much. Lunch meeting with the board. More food there, no way to get rid of that meal either. "Stupid and weak. Weak and stupid," she mumbled to herself. "Go to sleep and it'll be better in the morning," she told herself.

She sighed loudly and wrapped her arms around herself. Her heart sped up and panic overtook her when the outline of her ribs that she had started to notice recently wasn't there. A moment later she realized that she wouldn't be able to feel the bones through the thick sweatshirt she wore. A hand snaked its way under the clothing to the bare skin where her ice cold fingers were relieved to feel the warm ridges. There was little reassurance, however, because she was sure that those grooves were shallower than they had been that morning. Absolutely sure.

She had an idea. Emily could distract her. Spending time with the younger woman always filled her with a sense of peace as well as happiness. She grabbed the phone from the end table and made the call. She was met with Emily's voicemail. Defeated, she curled up on the couch. A few minutes later she tried the number a second time, again getting the voicemail. This time she left a message asking her friend to come over if she got the message.

She stood up and began to pace again, finally ending up facing the wall. "No, no, no". She let a few tears fall down her face as her forehead rested on the cool surface. She felt her willpower to resist ebb away until, finally, she caved.

She almost missed the sound of the knocking on the front door in the same way that she had missed the sound of her phone ringing, but she didn't. A wave of panic swept through her. This was bad, very bad. Her thoughts were a garbled mess as she slowly walked to the door and opened it to let her guest in.

The sight Emily saw as the front door opened nearly brought tears to her eyes. Lisa looked so distraught. The woman's hands were shaking badly she knew anything she tried to pick up would be dropped, and her eyes were swollen and red from crying. "Lisa," she whispered, reaching a hand out to her friend.

Abruptly, Lisa backed away from the touch. "Don't." She immediately heard the harsh tone of her voice and pleaded more gently, "Please."

Emily let her hand fall back to her side. "Lisa, let me help you. What's wrong?"

Lisa's trembling hands slowly made their way up to her face to wipe away a few stray tears. She began to shake her head while opening and closing her mouth a few times in an attempt to speak. "You… I… I can't…" She tried unsuccessfully to articulate her fragmented thoughts between ragged, shallow, breaths. "It's not time." There, she had gotten a full sentence out, even if it didn't seem to make much sense. "I'll be back." Abruptly, she left Emily alone in the entryway.

She was sitting with her knees pulled to her chest up against the bathtub, berating herself. She was much calmer now and could think much more clearly after having purged. How could she have done that? How could she have let herself continue for even just a few minutes knowing Emily was on her way? Then, after all of that, how did she let herself leave her guest standing in the hallway by herself while she locked herself away for that? She felt dirty. She changed her clothes before leaving her bedroom, but it was little help.

She came out to see Emily studying her bookshelf full of medical texts. The other woman saw her and turned around. "Hey. Feeling better?" she asked with a half smile.

"Yeah," Lisa started tentatively, running a hand through her hair. "Congratulations, I guess you've officially seen me at my worst…"

Emily laughed softly. "I have a tendency to bring that out in people. Really, though, you look a lot more relaxed than when I got here."

Lisa started walking over to the sofa with Emily following. "Yeah, thanks," she replied flatly. The two leaned back and enjoyed the silence for a moment. "Look, I'm really sorry about that."

Emily hesitated, she reached a hand towards Lisa, silently asking permission to touch her. After receiving a nod, she placed a comforting hand on her arm. "I know. You know I know what it's like to need a fix."

Lisa abruptly sat up and stared sharply at her friend. "I wasn't in there taking drugs," she said angrily.

"No, I know," she tried to calmly reassure her friend. "Your fix doesn't come from a drug like mine, but that's still what you needed, and I have a feeling you were pretty much half way there already." Lisa looked towards Emily, apprehensive as to where this was going to go. "Maybe you're stressed, or maybe you're overwhelmed, or upset, angry, whatever, maybe sometimes you're just plain bored, but you need it to end. For some people, the easiest way to get rid of these emotions is to eat. As you eat you start to feel numb to everything. Eventually, you might reach a time limit you have set for yourself, or maybe you have gotten to a point of physical discomfort that can't be ignored anymore. Either way, that might be when a few new emotions slam into you. All of a sudden there is the guilt of knowing you have once again lost control of yourself. There's also the fear of the sheer volume of what you've consumed. This causes anxiety. There is only one way to alleviate this anxiety. So you push whatever remaining strand of dignity you have left aside and throw up. Now the guilt, the fear, and the anxiety are also gone and all that is left is the numbness. You are at peace. Does that sound familiar?"

Instead of answering, Lisa turned away from her while wiping a stray tear off of her cheek. Emily started to rub soothing circles on the back of her shoulders. Suddenly Lisa practically launched herself into Emily's arms, stunning the younger woman. As she wrapped her arms protectively around her, she heard a faint, "You seem to know a little about this."

"Yeah, I used to dance professionally, remember? At least half the company had eating disorders in one way or another ranging from mild to more severe. Some dancers were bulimic, but most were anorexics with bulimic behaviors like yourself," Lisa abruptly pulled away and began to pace the room furiously. She couldn't believe that Emily had just referred to her as anorexic. She was most definitely _not _anorexic. "And some of us pretty much fit the standard criteria for straight up Anorexia Nervosa…" Emily trailed off, seeing that Lisa was no longer listening to a thing she was saying.

Noticing that Emily was no longer talking, Lisa looked back at her. "I am _not _anorexic," she said venomously, echoing her thoughts.

Not wanting to upset her friend further, Emily put her hands up to surrender. "Ok, you're not. I can be wrong on occasion." She walked over to Lisa and embraced her again. When the shorter woman looked up at her questioningly, she added, "You looked like you could use another hug."

Lisa snaked her own arms around her friend while Emily thought. She knew Lisa was in denial, but there was also no way she knew of to help her friend unless she was willing to admit that she needed support. She also knew that she wished more than anything at the moment that her friend didn't have feel like she had to live her life this way.

"Are you going to be ok tonight?" Emily looked into Lisa's eyes.

Lisa took her hand and walked them back to the sofa and sat down. They sat together in silence for a few minutes, Lisa getting distracted by an imaginary hangnail. She took a deep breath. "I… You don't have to be my friend anymore, you know. I understand if you are disgusted."

"You are not getting rid of me that easily, sweetie."

The two sat in silence for a while again until Emily felt Lisa's head become heavy on her shoulder. "Hey, Lise? You need to get some sleep."

Lisa moved away slightly and sighed. "I don't want to be lonely tonight," she said sleepily.

Emily stood and pulled Lisa to a standing position. "Once you fall asleep you will be with your dreamland friends."

Lisa snaked her fingers through the younger woman's. "I'm not tired yet," she said before yawning, causing the other woman to chuckle.

"And you're just looking for excuses to keep me here, right?"

"Is it working?" Lisa asked expectantly.

Emily smiled. "I guess I can stay if you really want me to, but I have to warn you, I work early. I also didn't bring anything with me to wear to work so I need to leave even earlier, and I will probably drool on your sofa…"

"It'll be like a sleepover. Like when we were kids. It'll be fun," Lisa suggested excitedly.

Emily hesitated. "I really didn't get a chance to do that much. I guess it could be fun." Emily couldn't believe that she had just agreed to spend the night at Lisa's house. Lisa, the woman she had a huge crush on; the woman she felt like she could seriously fall in love with, if given the chance.

"Here, come with me. You can borrow something to sleep in." They walked to the bedroom together and after a brief search, Lisa pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants for Emily to wear.

Fifteen minutes later they were both sitting on the bed engaging in "girl talk" while Lisa brushed and braided Emily's hair. Once she was finished, they both leaned back in the bed. Lisa once again entwined her fingers through Emily's. "Thank you, for everything."

"Anything for you, Lise."

Lisa didn't give a single thought before snuggling up right into Emily and placing her head on her shoulder, giving herself the closeness she craved from another person. Emily initially tensed at the close contact, but quickly relaxed into it. Just when she thought Lisa was asleep, she heard her speak. "Life is so much more manageable with my best friend by my side." Before finally drifting off, she pressed herself further into Emily. The blonde rubbed a comforting hand across Lisa's shoulder blades. The woman's words said one feeling, but her actions seemed to suggest quite another at times, especially at the moment.

"Lisa Cuddy, you are so confusing sometimes. If you decide that you want something more than friendship, I will be here for you. If not, or until then, I will be honored to be by your side as your best friend." She received a deep sigh into her neck in response.

Two hours later the alarm on Emily's phone buzzed from the nightstand, waking her up. She unsuccessfully tried to extract herself from the bed without waking Lisa. "Hmmmmm. What time is it?"

Emily sat back down on the bed next to Lisa. "Shh, it's only three. Go back to sleep," she said soothingly. Lisa again drifted off. After changing back into the clothes she had been wearing when she came the night before, Emily folded the borrowed pajamas and placed them back on the bed for Lisa to find in the morning. She then sat down again next to her for a moment and looked at her. She was so at peace when she was sleeping. She ran a gentle hand over her hair and through her ponytail before placing a small kiss on the top of her head and getting up, knowing it could have been awkward had Lisa been awake, but not caring.

When Lisa's alarm went off, the first thing she noticed was that she was alone and she felt a sense of loss almost immediately. When she sat up she saw the folded up clothing that Emily had worn for sleep and found a small note sitting on top for her.

_I hope you slept well and are feeling better.  
See you soon :)  
oo Em oo_

Lisa smiled to herself and began the process of preparing herself for the day. After dressing, she slipped Emily's note into her pocket to keep with her for the day. She wanted something of Emily to be with her no matter what. She knew what this feeling was. She knew it was something she had been running away from her entire life, sometimes lying to herself and others, sometimes simply ignoring. _Maybe it is time to stop being so scared,_ she thought. _Maybe it's worth taking this chance, especially with someone who isn't scared away by my "food thing". _

After waking Rachel and getting her started on the dressing process, she went to the kitchen to clean up the dreaded left over evidence of her binge the night before. When she approached the kitchen she stopped and looked on in awe. It looked completely as one would expect on your average morning. All of the items that had been strewn about had been cleaned up or thrown away as deemed appropriate. There was only one person who could have done this for her and she smiled to herself as she thought about her.

* * *

"Cuddy!" Thankfully she was in a good mood this morning, so even this ambush at the doorway, _what was he even doing here this early, anyway? _didn't annoy her as much as it usually would.

"What do you want, House?" She replied as she set up her desk for the day with her computer and paper work she had brought home for the weekend.

"I was wondering, Cuddy, did you start screwing the neighborhood anorexic before or after you took your giant nose dive out of eating disorder recovery land?" He stood in front of her desk looking at her smugly. "It must be pretty interesting, you know, trying to see who can go longer without eating this or that, deciding which bones look better on each other rather than clothing items like normal people, finding new ways to make yourself sick, all that. By the way, you're the fatter one, and no matter what you do, your ass will always be huge, so I would just give up if I were you." With that, he turned around and walked out the door of her office, leaving her completely stunned.

Cuddy slowly got up and walked to her door, locking it. She then curled up in the chair next to the couch, pulled her knees up to her chest, and buried her face in them, crying. How dare he? How dare he insinuate any of that? But House is always right. The more she thought about Emily the more what he said about her fit. Their friendship wasn't like that, though, and as much as she would like to escalate their relationship, she would never want one like that. No. She was determined to try to create a relationship with Emily and she was equally determined that this relationship would most definitely _not_ become the competitive kind that House had described. Because no matter how sick Emily may or may not be, she resolved that she would never let it effect her own self.

**A/N: So there you have it. Thank you all for hanging in there with my slowness... I hope you enjoyed it at least a little? More will come, I promise!**


	7. I Know Your Secret

**A/N: Sorry so much for yet another prolonged absence. I wish I had an excuse other than "it was stuck in my head and wouldn't come out" but that's just about all there is to it. Same goes for my other story. Much thanks to MoniBolis for giving me a kick in the butt on this one.**

**Disclaimer: The song used is "Dog days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine. I do not own that song, nor any characters other than Emily.**

**Disclaimer 2: I wanted to mention that I have used numbers in this in the past, and I will again from time to time. This is not some sort of thing to try to take apart. I do know that the numbers, when presented, may seem extreme, but it is for impact. Note that these numbers are actually possible and do pose extreme risk, however I have knowledge of what I am talking about. Saying this, I know it adds even more possible triggers, but it is more for impact than anything else. I feel that the story needs it in a way to fully make the impact that I am going for as we progress (slowly...).**

* * *

After yoga and coffee the two walked down the sidewalk through campus towards the park together in the unusually chilly late September evening as they had taken a liking to doing. Lisa was too proud to admit that the fall coat she had worn comfortably all day was just not enough to keep her warm now that the sun's rays had stopped heating the air around her. Emily noticed her shiver and reached an arm around her shoulders and held her close. She then fished a pair of mittens out of her pocket and handed the left one to Lisa. "Here, put this on. Give me your other hand." She removed her hand from around Lisa's shoulders and took the woman's right hand and slipped it into her coat pocket seeing as Lisa didn't have any pockets of her own. She then placed her other mitten on her own right hand.

"What about your left hand?" Lisa asked.

Emily laughed that laugh that Lisa loved so much. "We can pass the left mitten back and forth if you'd feel better that way." She smiled down at the other woman. "Either that or I can keep my hand warm like this," she said as she moved her chilled hand to the back of Lisa's warm neck.

Lisa let out a yelp and leapt back a step before they both started to giggle. When she came closer again Emily moved her arm back around Lisa's shoulders and then Lisa rested her head on Emily's shoulder comfortably. They walked together in silence for a few minutes before Lisa started to talk. "I know your secret," she said shyly.

"Oh, damn. And here I was thinking I kept those extra toes well under wraps." Her first instinct was always to deflect when it came to difficult topics, but she figured that if she had been able to figure out Lisa's secret, then surely the other woman must have gotten some of hers figured out by now. She didn't have much to hide considering she was pretty open about her life with Lisa including her former drug use which was her biggest turn off to most. Still, she was nervous.

"Well, I originally wasn't going to say anything about the extra digits but…" The two shared a somewhat nervous laughter for a moment. "But seriously, I know your secret."

Emily decided to play along. "Oh really?"

"Yessss," Lisa said.

"And what secret would that be?" Emily asked.

Lisa stopped walking and Emily stopped next to her. Lisa rose up on her toes and leaned into her ear and whispered quietly. "You like me."

Emily laughed loudly. She was extremely relieved at the direction this conversation was going in relation to where she thought it might go initially. Lisa stood there dumbstruck at the other woman's reaction. "Oh, honey," Emily started. "You're adorable. That is _absolutely _no secret." Lisa felt her heart warm at how easy it was for Emily to admit the feelings she had for her while she, herself, could barely let the feelings she felt for the other woman into her consciousness. She knew how she felt, she had felt it before, but she hadn't let herself feel this for so many years. She had looked for it, but hadn't found it. She also knew that she had been feeling it since the day they had met, only she hadn't realized what it was until later. The two resumed walking down the path through the park that they had arrived at. After a few minutes Emily echoed Lisa.

"I know your secret."

Lisa simply looked up at her.

Emily leaned in towards Lisa's ear and whispered in much the same way the other woman had just a few minutes before. "You like me too."

As soon as those words left Emily's lips the pair stopped walking and Lisa turned to face her. Their faces were mere inches apart. She could see the light from the lantern above reflecting in both Emily's light hair and in her eyes where it mixed with something else. Emily could see the same reflected in Lisa's eyes. She gently leaned down and brushed her lips against Lisa's tentatively, who welcomed the contact and began to kiss back shyly at first. As the kiss began to deepen slightly Lisa had a sudden thought. _You are a Dean at this university and you are in the middle of the park on campus kissing another woman. This is absolutely not go- _Emily moved her chilled hand again to the back of Lisa's neck, only this time she didn't mind it. Her train of thought suddenly switched tracks. _This is absolutely not gonna be a problem,_ her mind finished, completely changing the finale of that last thought mid-word.

When the two finally separated, Lisa lifted her face to look into Emily's taller eyes. Emily, in turn, lowered her face down and rested her forehead against the other woman's. "Funny thing. I'm actually not feeling as cold anymore," Lisa stated.

Emily grinned. "You sure? You're not just the least bit chilly still?"

Lisa blushed. "Well, now that you mention it…" Lisa said with just a hint of seduction.

Emily leaned further down and again captured Lisa's lips. Her left hand moved up slightly and her fingers tangled themselves in Lisa's hair while her right hand which had been on her hip snaked around to the small of her back to pull her in closer. The two stood there in the warmth of each other's embrace for a length of time neither of them could identify after the kiss had ended, simply staring into each other's eyes.

Suddenly Lisa heard her blackberry start to beep and abruptly untangled herself from Emily. "Sorry," she apologized. "Cuddy," she practically barked into the object. Her espression softened when she heard Tracie's voice on the other end. "Oh, Tracie, I'm so sorry. What time is it?" She looked at her own watch without listening for an answer. "Yes, I know you have an early class tomorrow. I'm very sorry. We were walking in the park and I must have lost track of time. I will be home shortly." She ended the call and looked back into Emily's eyes. "I guess I lost track of time," she repeated. "If you want, you could, um, come over for a bit and we could relax? Rachel's asleep… Not that I feel like I have to hide this, you, us, whatever, from her or anything," she clarified while blushing profusely in the lamplight.

Emily smiled warmly. "I would really like that, Lisa, but I would really love to just bask in the glow of tonight for a day or two before I create new memories with you." She knew all too well how things tended to turn out when two people made a huge leap in a relationship in a matter of hours. To go from being "really good friends," to kissing, to possibly more in the span of a few hours almost always leads to trouble or a simple one night stand, neither of which she wanted to happen. Not to mention the fact that this was the first time Lisa had ever acknowledged her romantic feelings towards another woman. Whether or not she had ever had them in the past is another matter entirely, but not exactly relevant at the moment. She wanted to give her time to process the steps she had just taken before allowing her to go further. If and when things progressed further, Emily wanted her to be ready. She also knew how bad she, herself, was with intimacy. She wanted nothing more than to let Lisa in, in every way possible, but she knew she needed to take baby steps or she would shut down emotionally.

She saw the slight look of rejection play across Lisa's features before she got them back under control. "Hey, don't think like that. It's not that. I just want to take things slow for both of our sakes. My last relationship ended three years ago and I had been with her for six years. I'm a little out of practice when it comes to this. I'm just not ready to go fast. I'm sure you will agree that in the long run it's better to go slow and grow than crash and burn, yes?"

Lisa had to agree with that. "Yeah." Lisa stood up on her toes and placed a small kiss on Emily's lips. "I really do have to get home though."

Emily ran her hand through Lisa's hair once more. "I know. I'll walk you back to your car at the hospital."

Lisa smiled up at her. "That sounds good. I... I've never felt that before," she added after a moment. She noticed Emily's quizzical gaze and felt the need to elaborate. "I don't know what it was. I just... I _felt_." The two walked back to the hospital parking lot in silence. When they reached her car the two shared a last goodnight kiss. "So I'll see you Friday?"

Emily blinked slowly and nodded. "You can count on it," she said before walking to the visitor parking and standing by her car. She watched to make sure Lisa got into her car and out of the lot safely before driving the short distance to her own apartment.

Lisa quickly drove the short distance (in the other direction) to her own home and entered the front foyer of her house just as quickly and quietly. She walked into the living room and saw Tracie lounging on the couch studying an advanced calculus text. "Hey, Dr. C," Tracie called out quietly. She looked at Lisa who was couldn't stop smiling a very ridiculous looking smile. "You out with Emily again?"

"Yeah," Lisa answered a little dreamily.

Tracie grinned. "Y'know, I never really saw the appeal in the ladies, but you know, to each her own, right?"

Lisa sat down on the couch next to Tracie who was packing her schoolwork into her bag. "I'm not a lesbian you know," she said to her quietly.

"Hey, I never said you were. You know, bisexual and all that, that's cool too. I guess most girls gotta have a man around sometime, right?"

"Tracie," Lisa admonished as she tilted her head in the direction of Rachel's room.

Tracie chuckled. "Don't worry about her. She's sleeping. Y'know, by the time she's my age she's gonna be grateful that you were getting some while she was growin' up." Lisa turned a dark shade of crimson and fished around in her wallet for some cash. She handed Tracie an extra twenty dollars for staying late. The young woman looked at the money in surprise. "Wow, woman. That Emily must really be good at what she does! I might just have to meet her someday; but don't worry, she's all yours," she finished with a smile and a wink as they walked to the door. "'Night Dr. C," Tracie said as she walked out.

"Goodnight Tracie. Sorry again about the late night. If you oversleep and need a doctor's note or, I don't know, a note from a Dean or something, you know where to come," she joked before closing the door.

Later, Lisa lay in bed thinking. For the first night in oh so very long she felt completely at peace. She felt confident. She felt loved. And all be damned, she actually felt beautiful, even if she was still a few pounds more than what she wanted to weigh. She smiled as she snuggled into the blankets. She felt like she could finally get her life back under her own control, back on track to where she was headed to before. She hoped she could help Emily feel the same way she felt right now. It didn't occur to her that part of Emily's problem was that she didn't actually _know _any other way to live. She hadn't had the benefit she had of having twenty plus years of living free of the shackles of her sometimes difficult life that bound her. In the back of her mind she wondered if two people who shared some of the same problems with their health and also intimacy could possibly be in a healthy relationship in the long run. She found that she didn't know, but she was hell-bent on making sure it could happen for them if she had anything to do with it.

_Happiness hit her, like a train on the track,  
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back,_

Love had hit Lisa Cuddy and now that she had it, she wasn't going back.

_She hid around the corners, and she hid under beds,  
She killed it with kisses, and from it she fled,  
With every bubble, she sank with a drink,  
And washed it away down the kitchen sink._

She would use her feelings for Emily to help her deal with her internal demons. It would work, it had to work.

_The dog days are over, the dog days are done,  
The horses are coming so you better run,  
Run fast for your mother and fast for your father,  
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers,  
Leave all your love and your loathing behind,  
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive._

No more self hatred. No more self destruction. _You can't carry it with you if you want to survive._

_The dog days are over, the dog days are done,  
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come._

Emily found herself needing to dance. It had been so long since she had actually just danced. She pushed all of the furniture in her living room up against the far wall to clear a nice sized spot in the center of the room. She then opened the door to the outdoor patio despite the chilly outdoor temperatures. She turned her computer on and selected one of her favourite songs to dance to. This had been the last song she had ever performed a modern style dance piece to. She had fully devoted herself to ballet many years before, but she just couldn't shake the bug that made her want to also study so many other types of dance including modern, tap, jazz, theatre dance, swing, and so much more, so she compromised on studying them on the side at the Rock school, the school of the Pennsylvania Ballet, as a student. Being a dancer in the company she was able to take classes at the school for free. The only thing was she had to make sure was that she had enough energy to keep up with the ballet classes and rehearsals which were mandatory as part of being in the corps. She hit play and began to dance full out with no type of warm up or preparation right there in her apartment.

_And I never wanted anything from you,  
Except everything you had,  
And what was left after that,  
Too, oh,  
Happiness,  
It hurt,  
Like a bullet, in the back,  
Struck from a… great height,  
By someone who should know better,  
Than that._

_The dog days are over, the dog days are done,  
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come._

The pace of the dancing became more intense and the steps became more involved as the song progressed.

_Run fast for your mother and fast for your father,  
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers,  
Leave all your love and longing behind,  
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive._

Jumps, leaps, turns. The only thing restricting her movements was the size of the room. Glissade assemble. Entrechat huit. Grande jete. Tour jete. Calypso. Fuette turns. One thing after another. She simply got lost in the music.

_The dog days are over, the dog days are done,  
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come._

_The dog days are over, the dog days are done,  
The horses are coming so you better run.  
_

During the two lines of the song Emily found herself down on her knees outside on the patio reaching up towards the starlit sky, her face towards the heavens above. Thinking only of Lisa she sang the last two lines of the song with the music emanating from her computer, not caring what her neighbours might think.

_The dog days are over, the dog days are done,  
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come._

A tear slid down the side of her face, but it was a tear of happiness, not sorrow. She felt like she was finally being given a second chance to try to have what she had once so easily thrown away in a drug induced fit of rage. She knew right then that she would do anything in her power to make Lisa happy and she would also do anything she could to make this work if that was something Lisa wanted. She knew she did. This was the first time in years that she felt like she could do anything. It was the same feeling she used to get when she danced on stage in front of a packed theatre. It was the high she craved ever moment of every day. The high she had thought she had found in drugs. The difference this time was that it came from salvation, not destruction.

* * *

**A/N: Like I've said many times, I write this mostly for me. That is probably why it rarely gets put out here for you... sorry. Having said that, I love to hear what you have to say, good or bad. I will do my best to get more out, and hopefully maybe even a piece of IHYD!**


	8. Bad Day

**Hey all. Thank you again for your patience if you are sticking with me. I know it's been a very long time. This chapter is VERY STRONGLY TRIGGERING, especially in the second half. Please, I know that it's probably just flat out a bad idea to put this out there, but since I am I'm asking you to be a responsible reader. I want you to feel for the characters, but not go copy them. It's not fun. **

**Also, I know that it seems pretty unlikely that Cuddy would put the hospital before Rachel, but that's how this had to work so that's how it is.**

* * *

Cuddy was with her patient when her phone beeped for the third time letting her know there was yet another message waiting for her. Finally giving in to the device, she excused herself to find out what was going on.

_Rachel's school called me again to come pick her up. Apparently she gave them my number since you are incommunicado. There is no way I can get out of here before 2:00 today. I'm sorry. -E_

Alarmed, she looked back to see what she had missed. Two calls from the school nurse, a message from them indicating that Rachel was sick and needed to go home, and three texts from Emily. "Are you ok?" came from a few feet away, jolting her out of her worries.

Cameron was standing next to her, concerned. "Rachel isn't feeling well and needs to go home. I can't... I can't leave my patient. Emily can't get there either. This is a mess." Cuddy was starting to pace in small stressed out circles. She could feel herself beginning to get dizzy and struggled to keep her breath even.

"Do you want me to pick her up for you and take her home? I know your patient is important and refuses to be treated by anyone else. I really don't mind," Cameron offered.

Cuddy hesitated for just a second before making her decision. "I guess so. Yes. I can let the school know you are coming and Emily will come over as soon as she's able to. Thank you. I owe you for this."

"It'll be my pleasure". Cameron was always in much too cheerful a mood, Cuddy thought.

A short while later Cameron arrived at Rachel's school and found her curled up on a cot in the nurse's office. She was informed that Rachel had a fever and was feeling sick. A quick once over of her own confirmed that the girl wasn't faking. She thanked the school nurse before scooping Rachel up into her arms and carrying her to the car to go home.

When they got back home, Cameron tucked a sleepy Rachel into bed. "I think I just don't feel good like Mommy. She throws up all the time. Can I have juice please?"

Cameron was pondering Rachel's comment about her mother as she went to get juice. A short search through the kitchen for juice led her to fear that she understood Rachel's comment, perhaps more than Rachel herself did. The cabinets were fully stocked with packages of cookies and potato chips, pasta, candies, anything that you could imagine from a store. The refrigerator was similarly well stocked as was the freezer that she checked simply out of curiosity. She returned to Rachel with the juice and tried to get just a little information about her boss out of her before she took a nap.

"Here's some juice," she said handing over a small juice box. Deciding on how to ask a young child about something she probably doesn't even understand was pretty difficult. "Do you know why your mom gets sick?" The direct approach it is.

Rachel shrugged. "She gets really, really hungry and eats lots of stuff and then her tummy doesn't feel good. Emily sometimes tries to tell her that will happen but she doesn't really listen".

"How often does this happen?" she asked.

Rachel handed back the juice minus a few sips and cuddled down into the bed. "I think lots of days".

Cameron really didn't have much to say at that point with all of the information going on in her mind, so she finished tucking Rachel in and let her take a nap and hopefully wake up feeling better. Working for House she had learned many skills, one of which was how to search a patient's house to find key information that would otherwise remain hidden. She was torn on exactly whether or not she really wanted to go through Cuddy's home but ultimately decided to indulge her curiosity while she was babysitting.

She carefully started looking at some of the things in the common areas of the house. There were lots of pictures of Cuddy and Rachel in the living room but there were two photos that were different. One was a picture of a dancer on a stage. She was wearing a tutu and a pair of wings and was posed in an attitude balance. There was another picture of Cuddy with a blonde woman that was clearly taken by Rachel as it was from a low angle and the tops of their heads were cut off. They were standing together right outside the house on the lawn and the blonde was kissing Cuddy's cheek. As she looked at the two pictures she saw that they were of the same person, most likely Emily. The kiss was a little surprising but then she thought maybe there really was something to all of House's "Cuddy is a lesbian" jokes. She looked back at the dance picture again and noticed how underweight she appeared to be. Ideas were now forming in her mind that she didn't like at all.

Cameron then decided to become bolder and move on to search the bedroom. Looking at the closet and through drawers she was able to conclude that Emily probably stayed over enough to leave some stuff here but she didn't actually live here. She again hesitated before looking in the night table next to the bed, not wanting to see something that she really didn't want to see with regards to Cuddy's personal/sexual relationship, but again plowed right through her hesitation. There was a small notebook with entries that started "Dear Diary". It seemed almost too adorable for Cuddy to do, but she read anyway. The last entry was from a few days before. In Cuddy's handwriting were a few sentences, crossed out and followed by writing by who she assumed was Emily.

_I am a bad mother. _You are a great mother. You love Rachel, she knows it, and loves you back.  
_I am a bad doctor. _You save lives every day even if it isn't at your immediate hand.  
_I am a bad girlfriend. _I wouldn't stick around if you were.  
_I am an ungrateful daughter. _Having heard stories about your mother I doubt that.  
_I am a terrible sister. _Call Julia. I bet she would disagree.  
_I am huge and unworthy of the space I take up._ You most certainly are not on both counts.

The following written argument started to make Cameron chuckle.

_Stop being an ass and get your pen out of my diary.  
_You stop being an ass to yourself and maybe I will.  
_I know my ass is huge. You don't have to rub it in.  
_I didn't say anything about your ass, you did. I love your ass and oh the things I'd like to do with it...  
_Really? In my diary? Puh-leez._

Cameron closed the small notebook and placed it back into the drawer carefully before slipping into the bathroom. There were enough toiletries, hair products, and makeup, for a small army including plenty of mouthwash and a box of baking soda, both helpful to someone trying to cover the aftermath of purging. She also found two different scales and a small chart tucked away with meticulous weight records with numbers that made her sensitive self almost cry. She couldn't believe she hadn't noticed any of this going on. She continued to pull open drawers and found one to have a child proofing latch on it. Inside she found various things like ibuprofen, allergy medicine, eye drops, and other such items. Behind those was a box that she pulled out and looked in. This time she did let a tear go. It contained a secret stash of prescription diet pills (made out to Emily by Cuddy), laxatives, diuretics, and a thankfully unopened bottle of ipecac syrup. She took that box with her before closing the drawer and walking back to the living room. She would take that box with her today even if it would get her fired. She knew everything in that box was easily replaceable but it would at the very least be that much more trouble to go through to use it again.

Cameron spend the rest of the time until Emily came to relieve her thinking about the situation. She knew from experience that confrontation is not often the best way to deal with this kind of problem and often leads to more problems than it solves. Finally she heard the front door open and saw the blonde from the photographs walk in carrying an enormous cup of coffee. "Hi," Cameron said. _Great job on talking about the problem_, she thought to herself. One thing Emily did have going for her was that she appeared at first glance to be at a somewhat healthier weight than she did in the photo of her dancing.

"Hi. Thank you so much for helping. How is Rachel"?

"She's taking a nap. She was still warm when she went to sleep". She turned towards the door and picked up her bag. "Can I ask you something?" Emily nodded. "Is Cuddy as sick as I think she is? I mean... that didn't come out right. I just..."

Emily had a moment of definite sadness and then worry pass over her features before they went back to neutral. "I don't know what you mean. She's fine as far as I know".

"You and I both know you're lying, but if you really want to continue the charade I should let you know that forging prescriptions on your girlfriend's pad is illegal and she can lose her license and even go to jail".

It was clear that Emily had no clue what she was referring to so she took out the box she had stashed in her bag containing the medications. Emily opened it and quickly saw the contents. She pulled out the bottle of pills with her name on it with a slightly shaky hand. She was visibly upset about the situation but tried to recover for Lisa's sake. "I didn't know that. I won't do it again. You can just get rid of it." She handed the box back and walked over to the sofa to sit.

Cameron followed her and sat down as well. "I can help you. Both of you. This is really serious but it can end in a positive way".

Emily wanted that more than anything, but she just couldn't open Lisa's life up to her employee like that. Especially one who seemed to care just a little too much about everything. "I think you need to leave. Thank you for helping with Rachel but please leave Lisa alone".

Cameron didn't want to let it be the way it was but it didn't seem as though she had much choice as she was being escorted to the door. "Look, if you change your mind, I'll be here".

"Please just go," Emily said with a tear in her eye. Cameron did.

During her drive back to the hospital she told herself she would try to talk to Cuddy in a non-confrontational way and see if she could make any headway. "Dr. Cuddy," she said almost running down the halls to catch up with her. Sliding into a slower pace she began to talk in a lower voice next to the woman. "Look, I know about, um," she suddenly lost her nerve. Cuddy was looking at her with one eyebrow raised waiting impatiently for the rest of the sentence. "Um, Emily. You and Emily. You seeing Emily. All of Emily". _Wow, _she thought, _what a choice of words._

Cuddy, however, mistook her discomfort as it seemed and assumed it was about finding out the details of her relationship. Before she could respond, Cameron continued. "I just want to let you know I won't gossip. I promise," and disappeared almost as quickly as she had appeared beside her.

* * *

It was after dark by the time Lisa got home. Emily was sitting out on the front porch sipping a Diet Coke and smoking. She looked up as Lisa sat down next to her.

"How's Rachel doing?"

"She's feeling better I think. She woke up for a while and we colored and I made her some Spagettio's for dinner. She wants you to come say goodnight".

Lisa stood up. "Ok, I'll go and make sure she knows I got home," she said and left Emily alone with her thoughts about this afternoon again. A short while later she reappeared and sat back down, now clothed in sweat pants and a t-shirt.

Emily pulled out her pack of cigarettes to get another and Lisa beat her to them and helped herself to one, lighting it. "I don't know why I ever gave these up," she said, exhaling.

"Probably because, as you like to remind me often, these think will kill you," Emily retorted.

"Hm. I'm good at killing people," Lisa finished flatly.

Emily snaked her arm around Lisa's waste as they sat, knowing something was bothering her. "What's going on, babe. Talk to me".

"Oh, nothing, really. I just dumped my daughter on two other people long enough to kill my patient and lose the million dollar donation she gives to the hospital every year". She shrugged away Emily's arm and started to pick at the seams of her sneakers.

"I'm sorry". Emily made a move to reach out towards her again but Lisa got up and walked back into the house. She followed her in and found her eyeing the contents of the freezer.

"Did you eat today?" came slightly muffled through the sound of the air blower. She wasn't met with an answer so she figured it was probably negative. She began to pull items out from all over the kitchen and jumped slightly when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Lisa, stop. I know you are upset, but this isn't how you want to deal with it".

"Go home if you don't like it. At least go into the other room and leave me alone for a while," she said.

There was a solid break of silence as Emily stayed seated at the table and watched Lisa cook. Items were heated and cooked and laid out along the table and she still refused to move. She knew Lisa was very self conscious about her binges and she hoped that staying in the kitchen would maybe stop what deep down she knew was inevitable. Her thoughts were halted when a plate was shoved under her nose. She looked at it. "Rachel's plate?" she asked.

"Yeah," Lisa remarked, dumping some cheese sauce onto a potato. "See, I noticed that if those scrambled eggs touch a piece of that potato, you'll cut the bits that touched off and not eat them. Now they are separated. Problem solved. Eat." Emily stared at the plate Lisa was gesturing to. "It's just eggs and a potato. No butter, no cheese, no contamination, nothing. You're safe".

"Geez, you don't have to mock me".

"Leave the room and you won't be mocked".

Emily stayed where she was and Lisa started eating. She could not manage to touch her food while watching the other woman eat. It was completely disgusting to her and was something she would never be able to understand. "You may want to slow down because I'm not letting you purge".

Lisa stopped just long enough to glare at her and speak. "You really have no say in what I do or don't do, especially in my own home". Emily had never behaved this way before and she didn't know what to make of it or what had even triggered it.

Even if the amount of food left was ignored, Emily could tell that Lisa was nearing the end by the amount of seltzer that was being consumed so she got up and stood behind her in an attempt to block her in to where she was. This had very little effect so she moved to the doorway. The one other time she had seen Lisa between having binged and purging she was like a scared animal. Emily reached her hand out to her shoulder to halt her and Lisa pulled away as if burned. "Don't touch me," she screamed. Tears were in her eyes and Emily felt bad but didn't move from the doorway. "Please," Lisa pleaded, clearly in both emotional and physical distress. "Let me go". Emily remained where she stood.

Lisa didn't care anymore about privacy. She made her way over to the kitchen trash can and knelt down. Emily was stunned as she watched. She knew this happened but she had never actually seen it. Lisa's first two tries hardly produced anything but the third try was much more effective. Emily stopped watching, marched over, and grabbed both of Lisa's wrists and held them behind her, getting some of the undigested food on her in the process. She grimaced, wiped her and on her pants, and stood up taller to look at Lisa from over her head. "This stops. Tonight". She got no response but continued to hold on tightly.

Lisa relaxed for a few breaths to steady her mind. When she was younger she had gotten herself to be able to throw up by simply willing it to happen. She would do it again. It was the only thing that mattered right now. She pictured it happening and felt it happening and finally it did. It was messy rather than the marginally neater way she was accustomed to. She had a horrible burning in her nose from it now and her head was pounding. It was a skill she decided she would have to work on.

Emily let go of her hands and stepped back. "You need help," she said simply and walked to the doorway again. "By the way, you need to restock your pills," she said before leaving. Both the impact of Emily's parting words, her knowing about the pills, and the sound of the front door slamming hit her at the same time cumulating into another wave of worthlessness. She finished emptying her stomach into the trash before the full onslaught of tears started.

She got up on shaky legs and rinsed her mouth out in the sink and took out the trash. Hopefully the kitchen wouldn't stink like vomit in the morning, she thought as she cleaned up the table as well. In the shower she figured it was a good thing she knew where she kept her items because the dark spots kept making it hard for her to see. Her hands were going numb as she ran the brush through her hair. She knew she wasn't far from passing out when her feet became icy cold and numb as well, the tears falling still. Knowing she wouldn't make it to her bed, she curled up on the carpeting just outside the bathroom.

Lisa wasn't sure what time it was when she felt a cool hand on her cheek. She opened her eyes to see Emily's face near her own. "I'm sorry I did that to you," she heard.

"I'm sorry," she responded. "It won't happen again".

Emily's eyes got closer. "Yes it will, if you don't get help. Maybe that nice doctor that helped with Rachel today can help you," Emily suggested. She knew Lisa wouldn't go for that and had her thoughts confirmed by the squinting of eyes. "Or we could find someone else". Lisa shrugged, not committing to anything. "Can you get up?"

"Of course I can," she bit back.

"You're laying on the floor. It's not something people generally do when everything is just fine".

Lisa took a mental look at how she was feeling and sat up slowly. "I'm ok, I think". The two made their way over to the bed and Emily tucked Lisa into the covers then disappeared for a few minutes. When she came back she had a glass of juice with her. "Drink this then we can get some rest". For the first time that night Lisa did as Emily asked.

"Thank you for coming back to me," she said.

"I never intended to leave you. I just needed to clear my head. You're stuck with me," she reminded her as Lisa curled up next to her, ready to sleep.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Please leave a review on your way out. I don't mind criticism. I write for me, so that is what is most important. Hopefully the next installment won't be too many months out.**


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